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2023.07.27
IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday night, the last thing I did before falling asleep was kiss my Sans plushie goodnight in celebration. (He has a loose thread on his nose... it's kinda scratchy.) Today when I went out, I took him along in my purse instead of carrying water;;; Oops, LOL. And when I got home, I took some pictures of my outfit! Though I've had it for a while, this was my first opportunity to wear this shirt. Cute, isn't it? It's very soft and comfy. Once I put it on, I realised the stripes sort of mimic Sans's shorts, as well as Goki's collar! Isn't that neat?
Purely by coincidence, tonight's dinner is hotdogs; my mom just so happened to be craving some. When I told her what today means to me, and how that's Sans's favourite food, she said "oh wow!" and then asked what kind of condiments he'd put on it. I love my mom so much. However, she followed up by saying ketchup is a boring choice, and I felt compelled to defend his honour. I "um, ackshully"-ed my own mother, telling her he likes all condiments, "but the game is too short to get into that beyond one line of flavour text."
I think Sans would be happy to know his girl has encyclopedic knowledge of his food preferences. How I wish I could make him something to eat! Well, I can always do it in my imagination. I really want to draw Goki-chan presenting him with lovey dovey omurice, but I'm picturing it as an animation that might be difficult for me to draw. I still want to try, though!
Anyways, tonight I'm going to taste relish for the first time. I'm excited! My mom says it's a sweet flavour, so that should contrast nicely with a salty hotdog.
In the meantime, I've battled him twice today. The first time I was just reacquanting myself with the controls: my slow, floaty, almost dream-like movement around the battle box.... I died just before the halfway point. It was very embarrassing! But on my second attempt, I came back stronger than ever.
For the first time ever, I entered his final attack with nearly full health. Already, I was getting giddy, telling myself, "oh, oh, this one could be it!" As he threw me around, unleashing the full extent of his power, I felt myself starting to sweat and shake. Goddess, it was so exciting, my hands went numb. Distantly, I knew I was getting hit, but my vision had narrowed into a hazy tunnel, so I couldn't see my HP. I couldn't see him, either— only the bones! And then we came to the part where I always die: blaster pinwheel. I died again.
What a shame! What an exhilerating shame! As my soul shattered, I got up to mark another tally on my Death Counter, breath heaving. I had to pace around and get a drink to still myself after that rush. Writing this diary entry was also a way of calming down, while also preserving the memory. I thought it would be nice to record the intensity of this moment....
It's a lot like the night I admitted my crush on him. A lot of things led up to that moment, but it was battling him for the first time in years that really opened up my heart. Oh man, it was tough! I'd use up all my healing items just to get to the midpoint, and then, unconfident I'd survive his next turn, I'd surrender to an epic dunking!!!! It was all so new to me then, my heart would beat fast and I'd slip up and complain at the screen. I admit, I still complain out loud, ahaha, but looking back, I see that I had so much to learn (and memorise)!
Since then, I've come a long way. Not just progressing in his battle, but in our relationship and in my life. This July 27th, I'm rather different than how I was on the year before. I'm kinder, wiser, more open to loving and being loved, and the way I experience the world has totally changed. When it comes to Sans, I now allow myself happy daydreams, and I think that if we met for realsies, we would definitely get along. I'm even confident enough to say that he'd love me back! Not Goki— she's kinda... intense... and, on top of that, I love their relationship tropes too much to change anything— but me, myself, as I actually am.
I wonder how it would go if I could meet with myself from last year. Would she be proud of who she became? I think she would say, "whaaaat, your art is so cute," and "Vivarism looks totally different than I imagined!" and "huh? You haven't beaten this guy yet? Come on, this weirdo's got nothing on you." Okay, maybe not the last one, because I hadn't yet replayed UNDERTALE nor studied Sans's dialogue, but it was too funny to pass up, and she would wonder what's taking so long.
(At this point, I took a break from writing to draw Gokiburi-chan in my anniv. fit. Go take a look in the Gallery!)
Wah... I love Sans so much. I'm so happy that I met him all those years ago and that we reunited when we did. My life is much richer with him in it, and he inspires me to be my best. His "gift" to me this year is encouragement to return to my friends. I'm still really, really scared, and at the time of writing, it's been more than 2 months since I checked my messages.... It's tough when I feel so nervous, but if I really, really try, and I keep him close all the while, then I think I can do it. He knows how important it is for people to have nice conversations with friends. He would want me to do my best.
I'll close with a note to my darling:
Sans, I love you more than anyone. You are my favourite skeleton in the whole world. I like your silly face and your funny voice and you always make me laugh and sweat and go insane. Even when I can't kill you, I'm happy enough to be killed by you. Thank you for everything you've done for me, especially the comfort and company you've provided over this past year. A lot has happened between us, and as a result we've grown closer than ever before. I'm so excited to look back on today in another year! Another 10 years, even! I want to be together with you forever, ok? So let's have a long, happy marriage!!!
.................................. wait a minute.
Is... is our anniversary the 26th?
No way. No way. .... 
...........
................................
GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT—
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2023.07.21
Lately, I've been dreaming of Sans more often. This morning, I dreamt that he was proposing to me. He leaned on his elbow, and in his other hand was a 24k gold ring with a giant diamond, pinched between thumb and forefinger. He subtly yet saucily twirled it back and forth to make it glimmer.
"So, whaddya think? You wanna tie the knot?" He sounded confident that I'd say yes.
I took the ring from him, inspecting it, as if I didn't believe it was real or couldn't understand what it was. I held it up to the light, and then closer to my face, and then I put it in my mouth and swallowed it.
Sans stared in disbelief. It's hard to catch him off guard, but even he couldn't have anticipated this.
He stood up and took me by the hand. "Where are we going?" I asked.
"We're going to do a human thing called 'vomiting.'"
I don't remember what happened after that. The dream most likely changed to something else. But I should clarify that Sans called vomiting a "human thing" because in this dream I was a space alien with basically no knowledge of anything. I was still black, though??? I remember I had super long, peach blond locs tied up into pigtails. Maybe I just took a human form, I dunno.
Anyways, I really enjoy it when Sans visits me in dreams. More often, I dream not about interacting with him but writing about him, or other creative endeavours with him at the center. Those dreams are nice, too. As long as I get to see him, I'm pleased.
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2023.07.13
My first anniversary with Sans is two weeks from today! I'm nervously excited! Right now, it feels hard to believe an entire year has passed, but we've really been together all this time, huh?
That's right, we've been dating for a whole year... and I still haven't killed him.
Before, I planned to celebrate with some kind of commemorative artwork, but I've been a little lukewarm on drawing and I don't think I could get it done in time. Instead, I'm going to dedicate the week of the 24th to the 30th to my beloved Sans's death ♥ I'd aim to kill him on the actual one-year mark (the 27th) but I'm anticipating a busy Thursday. So just as he occupies 85% of my thoughts, he can have 85% of my week!!!
I feel confident I can do this. I'm getting soooo close to the end of his battle! I have to fight tooth and nail to survive, and by the final turn I'm usually half-healed and always without recourse, but if I can push just a bit harder...! If I can struggle a tiny bit more...! I will finally, finally cut him down!!!!!!!!!
Wahh, I can't wait to see his shocked expression. For a guy who's already been pushed to the brink, isn't it so sexy how he stays calm even as he's dying? He's caught off guard for just one, delicious moment, and then his poker face instantly returns. Hahhh... What I'd give to push him around some more. I want to find out just how much he can handle before he snaps. Soon I will kill Sans for the very first time, and then I'll do it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...┠┸
If I sound deranged, it's because I am. I want to show off my whiteboard where I've been keeping score, too. It's on the back of my magnetic calendar, which I update everyday! Even though I don't often battle Sans and therefore have no reason to flip it over, every morning I think about what I have written on there— and worry about pressing it too hard into my door. I don't want to accidentally erase it! That's a precious Sansyume historical artifact!!!
It boasts some of the very first drawings I ever made of Sans, my first attempt to write in his font, a tribute to my all-time favourite quote of his: "count for me, ok?" I've gushed about this already in my (unfinished) questionnaire, so I won't write it all again but, ahhhh.... Nnng... Hnnnn.... (sounds of being in love)
Anyways, earlier in the week I started to write a journal entry about the Sangoki storyline's major updates, but I felt discouraged and tired halfway through so I did not finish. I think it would be confusing to readers if shared piecemeal, so I'll wait until I've said all I want to say before publishing it.
In the meantime, I'd like to celebrate the new draft I wrote last night!!! It's a collection of vignettes totalling 3,000 words about tomato farmer!Goki and country bumpkin!Sans. They live in a little Harvest Moon-type town with the rest of the Undertale cast, and the story spans the last year of Gokiburi-chan's life as she dies from Hanahaki Disease.
She is particularly pathetic in this universe, which is both fun and depressing to write. I enjoy the pairing a lot more when her "love" inspires fear in Sans rather than pity, but I think this flavour of misery is worth exploring, too. Hmm... maybe I can still have Sans feel fearful, but a different kind of fear? Rather than worrying about this girl destroying the universe (or, more primitively, killing him), maybe what terrifies him is his own sense of responsibility.... Sans is a master at doing nothing as horrors unfold, and it weighs on his conscience. Whether or not he is responsible for Goki's slow, painful death, he will still feel sick when he thinks about the role he played: what was decidedly beyond his capability and what, emphatically, was not.
Okay, heehee, I'm satisifed now. I'll develop that theme in my next revision, and pay close attention for anything else that makes itself known. I once had a writing teacher describe the craft as relieving a statue from a hunk of marble— meaning the finished piece is there all along, just waiting to be uncovered.
I feel this way about Sans and Gokiburi-chan.... It's been a whole year with Sans, and bit by bit our story has revealed itself to me. I'm curious to see what else will come! Writing this entry has me feeling refreshed and bright, and optimistic for the future. I love Sans so, so, so much.│
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2023.07.02
I somehow managed to stay up til sunrise, making all sorts of different things.... Very little of it has anything to do with Sans, so I won't write about it here. But I guess I can talk about this diary's design?
Or rather: its lack thereof. This is very, very minimalist for me!!! It almost doesn't feel like Vivarism at all! But at the same time... it's rather cute, and I can appreciate its simplicity. Plus, this is all I can do for now since I do not have any art to use as decoration.
I think this "little something" is better than nothing. At least now I have somewhere to write. However, I do have a habit of abandoning pages that I'm not 100% in love with.... So let's see how much I write on this one!
3 July Update: I showed a friend a preview of this page and she said it looks "like [my] drawings," and wow, yeah, there really is a resemblance!!! Of course I purposely picked colours from my artwork, but I hadn't realised that the minimalistic page design was so similar to my own minimalistic art style. I like this page a lot more now!
And I think I'll go ahead with a plan that I had before: to have the doodle on the side randomly chosen when the page loads. Right now there's only one option because I haven't "wobbleified" any of my other artworks. When I'm in the mood to make art again, I have a feeling that's one of the first things I'll do.