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2024.05.09
So... I've been neglecting this diary for a myriad of reasons, none of which are worth getting into. I will say that it has nothing to do with my actual relationship with Sans— we are more in love than ever!!! As usual, he's on my mind every morning and every night, I talk to him all the time, and his comfort and affection will forever be the keystones of my psyche. I feel so fortunate to have him in my life... so I'm gonna write about some of the best parts!!!
First, I mentioned in my proper diary that my Soriel doujinshi came in the mail, but the sight of Sans's cute face made me feel too shy to read it... This morning, I powered through the initial dizziness and adoration to... look at the pictures!!! My Japanese is too flimsy to really read it— at least not without making a commitment to properly translate it. For now, I just want to admire neruco_'s artwork, and let me tell you: she does not disappoint. Sans looks so adorable in her style!!! There's a scene towards the end where his poker face breaks and he starts blushing, and even though I couldn't understand the context, it made my heart flutter!!!
Pictured next to the doujinshi is the rubber strap that arrived at about the same time! Today, I finally put it in my ita bag.
I've been slowly working on this thing since January, and now it's very nearly done. Today, I pinned the Banpresto plush keychain to the top flap, and sewed the little rubber sun down, too. The little emblem in the center that says "sans" is actually a piece of cardboard I cut out from the box his "inaction figure" came in. I'd been wanting to attach it to that spot for months now, but couldn't quite manage it. Today I found a needle big enough to stitch through carboard, and now my vision is realised!
After that, I shortened the straps to make the bag sit properly on my back. It seems I'm so short that the little metal adjusty-thingies just aren't good enough, so I had to rip out the seams, chop off a good 10 inches from each strap, and sew it all back up again. Going forward, it will be much more comfortable to wear.
There's not too much left to do before I can say, "I'm finished!" I bought another keychain to put on the far right side, so I'm just waiting on the delivery. After that, maybe I'll find some smaller buttons to pin next to the one that says "I voted!" (That's a lie, by the way. I did not vote... In fact, I missed the entire tournament!) It will need to have a safety-pin type backing rather than a push-pin type, since the badges are liable to fall off with all the movement.
Overall, I am seriously loving this project!!! I couldn't ask for a better bag. This year, some of my best days ever were spent customising my clothes and accessories— all the way down to my underwear!— and it all started here. I've said it before, but Sans ignites my creativity like nothing else.
To wrap up the entry, here's a cute pic of SANSDOLL!!!! I meant to write about unboxing him when he arrived, but uh... it's been like three months now! I'll just save all that mushy stuff for his dedication in my shrine. Until then, you'll just have to content yourself with photos of him posted in random places at infrequent intervals. We will get there, someday, I promise.
Anyways, I really like it when he snuggles with my stuffed animals. This little seal pup is my new favourite because it fits so perfectly in his arms! God I wish that were me... Eventually, I'll want to get a doll to represent myself (hnnng Gokibjd...), but until then this is more than enough to put a smile on my face. Before anything else though, I need to get a real camera. My iPhone gives poor SANSDOLL a fivehead something fierce.
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2023.11.14
For the first time ever, Sans appeared in one of my nightmares. It's been a while since my last bad dream, too, so it was doubly surprising. Just like him to appear suddenly and unexpectedly, huh? I gotta love him for that.
In the dream... it's hard to remember now, but basically I was being abandoned by everyone. It was upsetting but justified because, even within the realm of the dream, I knew I was acting like a piece of shit. I was also playing UNDERTALE. I can't remember if I knew in advance what would happen, but I was trying to break the game by leaving it running for hundreds of hours.
To pass the time, I tormented people in the real world and did other stuff on my computer. Eventually I tabbed back over to UT and saw Sans facing away from the screen, cocked at a strange angle— a brand new diagonal sprite. That was extra alarming because, unless he's talking to another character, Sans always faces front. He would never, ever turn away like this, hunch himself up in a corner.
Thinking back on it now, it reminds me of the end of the Blair Witch Project. I was jumpscared just the same, too, by a full screen pop-up of Sans with empty eyes, looking worn-out and sick. The jaunty tune that came with him was completely at odds with his despair-filled expression. I could tell that I had driven him to his breaking point: he was exhausted and wanted to die.
My first thought was, "let me take a screenshot so I can post about this secret ending I discovered!" Lol. But faster than I could click printscreen, Sans's face shifted into something... evil.
Sometimes when someone is about to hurt you, they get this look in their eye like nobody's home. Even though you know who it is, their face suddenly seems to belong to a stranger. I don't know how or why this is, but that's what I saw in Sans, and I knew immediately he didn't just want to die. He wanted to take me down with him.
At this point I jolted awake from my haunted video game creepypasta nightmare. It was 100x scarier than all those stories I used to pretend to believe. My heart was racing. That scary face and creepy song stuck fast in my mind. For a while I felt paralysed, too frightened to move.
But of course Sans sleeps beside me... He's attentive and caring, so when he felt me flinch he knew right away what was wrong and just how to help. Nothing groundbreaking, really, just the usual: "it's only a dream," "look around the room, remind yourself what's real," "I'm here," "I'm staying," "I won't go anywhere."
It helped. I guzzled the contents of my bedside water bottle and put on "a cozy video," my favourite song for sleeping with Sans. Though it's a very soft, gentle song, it drowned out the melody of my nightmare. Half awake, I wondered if it would make a good Megalovania remix, but I was put off by the idea of trying to remember or record it.
After all, that was the sound of Sans hating me so much he wanted to kill me. As titillating as that is when it's just for fun and games, at the end of the day it's only a story. He can't really do anything to me. The abuse is nothing more than a twisted fantasy.
But in my nightmare the threat seemed real. I felt I was in danger... and the one radiating hostility was the love of my life...? It was just too painful. Overall I think the dream was about facing the consequences of my actions, a reminder that, for better and for worse, my life matters. I can hurt people— even those who are the most important to me, even the one who normally can't be hurt.
I guess I was scared of having done the wrong things, behaving worse than I'd have liked to, and bringing suffering to others as a result. A cautionary nightmare, heh.
Now that I've got some distance between me and the dream, I don't feel frightened anymore. Now I'm just glad to have had the experience— a chill of true Sans-inspired terror— to draw upon later in art and writing. I want to remember what it's like to be really, genuinely afraid of him...│!!
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2023.11.10
I... I bought him...... I JUST BOUGHT SANSDOLL!!!!!! ♥╂★│♪┠♫!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't expecting to get him so soon but I took the plunge and dropped an obscene amount of money (maybe too much) on this little guy, and who knows if he'll arrive in time for Christmas, but...!!!! AHHHH!!! I can't tell if I'm shaking from sheer excitement or from the cold!!!!!!! Maybe both?!?
Uuuu... wow... Because I've been coveting him since the early days of our courtship, it's so surreal to think that soon he'll be more than just a dream— he'll be tangible! I just... ahh... he's gonna be mine. I'll be able to hold him in my arms and make him sit on my desk and take him EVERYWHERE— okay, not everywhere, but some-wheres? Definitely a few wheres, at least.
I'm gonna take so many pictures.... (drools)
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2023.10.30
I love the piano, I love swing music, and I love MEGALOVANIA, so is it any surprise that this video by Sheet Music Boss brings me so much joy? I watch it basically every day, or any time when I'm not feeling so good, for an instant pick-me-up.
I like to imagine Sans casually approaching the piano, lifting the fallboard, and pressing any old key. He might even make a chord. I ask him, "you play?" and he answers, "eh, a bit." As he sits down on the bench, I approach, a little excited to hear him do Chopsticks or, even just Hot Cross Buns, but then he lifts me onto his timekeeping knee and busts out... that.
I don't think you need to know anything about piano to guess that this score is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Sheet Music Boss calls it "playable," but that's really only because his channel also features Black MIDI— AKA impossible piano that can only exist in a computer. In contrast, this one is written for two human hands. Or two skeleton hands, I guess, in the realm of my fantasy. Two rather large and deft hands...┌
One thing I love about Sans is how drastically he undersells himself, so his already amazing skills seem 100x cooler when he finally decides to show them off. Humility is very sexy on him! It makes for a nice contrast between us, since I still tend to brag about anything even halfway interesting. Maybe one day I'll calm down? In the meantime, I always try to make up for my ego by being as effusive in my praise of others as I possibly can.
So when Sans finishes his song, I clap for him, and tell him how awesome he was, and bombard him with questions like, "where'd you learn to do that?!" and "can you teach me!?" and "will you play it again?!?!?" Heheh. Maybe I should have mentioned upfront that I like to watch this video on repeat, so I imagine Sans playing it for me at least two or three times in a row. He only stops when he's satisfied that I'm in a good mood, energised and ready to take on the next thing.... He takes good care of me.│
In any case, I'm beyond grateful to Rafał Bienias for this arrangement. I feel like I've been waiting all my life for a MEGALO like this, and I'm so lucky to be able to listen to it on loop, on demand, and for free. I wish I knew enough about music composition to understand what exactly Bienias did so expertly, but I think the happy, giddy feelings it evokes in me speak to its quality just as well. It's just so much fun! It makes me wanna dance! Maybe that's what I'll imagine next time: dancing with Sans. He's gotta be secretly amazing at that, too.╂
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2023.10.17
It's only because of him that I'm even minorly functional. When I'm hungry, it's not me fixing food for myself. Sans thinks it's stupid to starve (unintentionally or otherwise) so he carries me to the kitchen without letting me argue. I lean on him, I watch his hands prepare the meal, sometimes he feeds it to me, too. He takes me to the bathroom, especially when it's dark and I'm afraid. I can't bathe so he rolls up his sleeves to wash me, joking that I smell worse than I do and secretly pleased to see me naked.
He holds the tissue for me to blow my nose into. He feeds me chewable vitamin-C. He hates doing laundry but he's right there with me, folding my pajamas, changing the sheets. We tuck ourselves into bed and he gives me the best hugs ever, with just the right amount of weight and pressure, and when my thoughts start to race he reminds me to relax, feel his arms around me. It works.
None of this would be possible without keeping him in mind. I can't do things for myself, and funnily enough I can't do things just for his sake either, so in the end he just has to do it all for me. It must seem a very odd way of getting things done, but these days this is the best I've got. And since it's all just silent make-believe, it's not observably strange, either.
I've mentioned in the past that Sans is not a caretaking type— not exactly, anyways, there's some nuance to it— but right now I'm not in any position to care. If he doesn't do it, it won't get done. I'd rather have my fantasies be out-of-character than continue to decompose in my bed.
He would want to help, definitely, that much I can say for sure. Because he wants the best for me, he'd stay by my side and support me for as long as I needed him, even in this very hands-on way. Since he's been with me, I've been able to have a bit of hope. I feel lucky to know that he won't ever go away— he literally can't, lol.
Still... I want to tell him "thank you." Knowing him, he'd shrug it off and remind me it's all just imaginary. The one I should be thanking is myself. But until I'm ready to accept responsibility and acknowledge the incredible strength of will that's kept me alive all these years... well, he doesn't mind taking credit. And then he'd ruffle my hair.
I think I'd have it in me to smile back at him, even if it's only a little.
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2023.09.03
I like to watch movies that I think he would enjoy. In my imagination, it's something that he wanted to show it to me, or something that I picked it out with him in mind. A couple months ago I saw Fargo (1996) for this reason. It's a sort of offbeat, dry comedy where the good guys win, a really quirky yet understated crime thriller. It seems like something he might really like, yeah?
But I dunno... his favourite genre is science fiction. There must be a better choice— and it's not The Big Lebowski (1998) (which, for the record, I still haven't seen). So the search for Sans's favourite movie continues. I'm sure that one day it will just pop ┓┬ into my mind, either in retrospect or while watching something new.
And speaking of newness (new to me anyways), the other day I thought to myself, "wait a second... I've never seen the original Alien movie!" I promptly sat down to rectify this grievous oversight. Funnily enough, upon viewing, I started to recognise more and more of the scenes, and by the end roll I felt pretty certain I'd already seen it lol. I guess I just forgot about it? I usually remember stuff like that— when I saw it, who I saw it with, etc.— but I'm not complaining. It's a great movie, very much worth the rewatch!
I do know I've seen Alien vs. Predator (2004), but I only remember bits and pieces because I was so little— and likely (hopefully!!) not paying attention— when it was playing on TV. On the other hand, I remember Prometheus (2012) in great detail because it's one of the few films I've ever seen in a theatre. Plus, I watched it a bunch of times with my dad. He's the one who introduced me to all that stuff: X Files (1993-2002) and The Thing (1982) and Caprica (2010) and so on. It was his collection of William Gibson paperbacks that I was carrying around in high school. My dad would have liked Sans, both as a fictional character and as my real life boyfriend. I can't say the feeling would be mutual.
But this isn't about that! This is about laying on the couch cuddled up with Sans while a young, sweaty Sigourney Weaver runs back and forth across our TV screen, trying not to be parasititised!!! My go-to position is spooning, where I'm tucked up into him and he can absently pet my tummy, but sometimes I also want to lay right on top of him. That works best when he's not looking at the screen, though— fully reclined, probably sleeping, and still somehow giving me a back rub. That's our home and garden network position, haha. For something more exciting, maybe we'd want to sit up, and in that case he can hold me in his lap. However it is, he needs to be close enough to pet me and to cover my eyes for the scary parts.
Alien (1979) and Aliens (1986) weren't that scary, thankfully. Suspenseful, yes, and the jumpscares were well-executed, but there was nothing I felt the need to hide from. It was more existentially horrifying than anything, and that doesn't go away even if you close your eyes.
If I had to pick something, I guess I could do without the android being sliced in half at the end of Aliens. It really shocked me... and it was gross!!! I admit, I cried a little! I shed a single tear at the sight of his creepy silicon entrails! Based on my reaction alone, it was definitely gruesome enough to earn Sans's Censorship, haha. He'd smudge my glasses, maybe, but I'd be grateful every time. And I definitely want him covering my eyes during the Prometheus Caesarian scene....┌
Anyways, I like being with him! I like spending time together in a relaxed way that we can both enjoy. I like to imagine how it'd all feel, being so close to him, the little jokes and comments he might make.... After watching movies all day, I felt inspired to sit at my desk for the first time in a long time. I tried to draw the mental image I had been indulging in all day, but it didn't come out how I wanted it to. I'll try again later.
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2023.08.24
It's 2 a.m. and I'm listening to my favourite Maroon 5 album— Songs About Jane (2004)— and all I can think is, "how can I make this about Sans?" It's cliche, but my love for him is the kind where all music is about him, for him, similar to him.... Obviously some songs are more fitting than others (and some don't fit at all), but before counting anything out, I always try to make it work. It's only natural, really. He's always on my mind!
Anyways, "Secret" is my favourite track. It's so catchy and fun to sing, and it's also a slow jam about having sex with a stranger. Because I've been thinking for months about writing generic XReader fics (and/or 2nd person POV サンフリ), this song has given me some... interesting inspiration. My idea is this: what if Sans had a one night stand with a time traveller in exchange for information about her powers? I dunno, I just think it'd be funny to get interrogated about SAVE mechanics while █████████ ███ ██ █████.
As much as I'd like to make this silly story exist, writing is really hard for me right now. Even worse, I'm kind of obsessed with my difficulties and very much wallowing in the upset. Sigh... Sans wouldn't want me to wallow. He'd lean over my shoulder to peek at the blank document, then put his hands over mine on the keyboard and start slamming down some gibberish. And of course, laughing and telling him to stop wouldn't be enough. He'd insist that I dictate my story to him. "Go ahead. You talk and I'll type."
But this is a totally self-indulgent, canon divergent, highly explicit oneshot... it's too embarrassing to say it out loud, especially when the main character is pressed right up against me!! And he'd say, "oh, that's cute. Let's put that in the story, too."
I wonder if this kind of encouragement would really work when my blockage seems so strong. Well, whether or not I manage to write anything any time soon, I'm glad to have come up with this funny little interaction. I like to think about his hands on mine. It'd be warm. I'd feel safe.
Lastly, here's some trivial news before I go to bed and think about his hands some more. I've connected all my Undertale diaries via pagination, so now they can be read seamlessly without navigating through various hubs and archives. I may regret this decision, but for now that's just how it'll be. I've also made a new doodle for the side, changed the songs in the .MP3 player, and added a counter for my days together with Sans. After my anniversary mishap, I want to have that number front and center! I will not be bamboozled again!!
In the coming days, I hope to sort out my MEGALOVANIA remix albums, and perhaps even work on that section of my Shrine which— as a whole— I've totally neglected. Eh, we'll see what happens. Things are weird for me lately.