Dear Undiarytale...

2023.05.22

Wow! I can't believe today is our 300th day! I'm a little nervous about our anniversary coming up.... What should I do to celebrate?! It should be something big and fun, something that showcases how much we've grown over the past year. I think, maybe, I'll make a looooong panoramic artwork that shows how our story has changed. So much has happened.... Since admitting I have a crush on Sans, I've gone from wanting him to despise me, to wishing he could love me but believing that was impossible, to allowing myself a daydream that was happy if not implausible, to finally accepting that I'm a nice girl with a lot to offer and Sans Undertale would be damn lucky to have me in his life. Quite the narrative arc, huh? And that's not even touching on the actual fiction I intend to write!

It's not for our anniversary, though. It's just the regular story of Sans and Gokiburi-chan that I've been half-way sort-of not-really writing for the past 300 days. I didn't commit to it for a multitude of reasons, the major (yet underlying) one being that there was no need to tell the story; I had nothing of value to say. It was basically shaping up to be an uninspired POV Sans angst-fest where nobody gets what they want and nobody is happy or has fun. Ever.

But that's not the story I want to tell. For the past month, I've been brainstorming ideas to give the story more depth. At first, I was just playing around with the premise and Goki's backstory, but a couple days ago I realised that I need an entire genre shift. I need COMEDY! Even though the situation is dire, Sans is— before anything else— a comedic character, and Goki herself is pretty absurd and pathetic, too. It may end up being a dark comedy, but it's more believable that they'd rely on humour in these trying times. It's more fun for everyone this way— not just the characters but the audience and the writer, too. What's the point of writing it if I'm not having fun?!

I'm really excited to get started/keep going. My main obstacles, though, are my underdeveloped skills in writing comedy and in writing Sans Undertale. Thankfully, these things go hand in hand. As I analyse Sans's dialogue, I'm sure to pick up a thing or two about jokes. I've been studying a bit, too, on "how to be funny" and even asking people in my life about their senses of humour. It's all very fun. I'm having a good time, and I'm sure things will get easier the longer I keep at it.

I've been drawing a lot, too!!!!!! I updated the Gallery with a couple new doodle compilations that I drew last week. I've gone back to using a no-pen-pressure 10pt marker and I couldn't be happier. I seem to be at that blissful point of artistic development where my hand is working as well as my eyes do, so I can't really see my own errors. I just enjoy everything I've made lately! And I think I'm improving quickly, too. I'm (sort of) getting over my allergy to reference materials, which is refreshing.

It's so fun to be creative like this, especially after such a rough start to this year (and a rough life in general, lol). I feel like I'm finally getting back in the swing of things!!!!

Next time I want to write about when I put Sans's made-up birthday in my astrology app and it said we're basically soulmates. Soooo illuminating, very validating. My future wife will need to be even more synastrically compatible or else the wedding's off. I'm excited to share the whole story, but for now, I'm gonna go take a break!

2023.05.07

Usually, I fall asleep listening to the sounds of the ocean, but these days I've been looping snowy songs that remind me of Sans. One night I literally listened to "Snowy" (the G-route version, lol), but I also really like "Igloo" from Animal Crossing on the Gamecube. My favourite version is the one with the sounds of bubbling chowder, called "a cozy video". It is the ultimate cuddling soundtrack. It makes me want to wrap up in a fleece blanket and lay down on his chest and never get up again.

I've been so distracted these past couple weeks, I haven't spent as much time with him as I'd like. It's even more difficult to dedicate time to him when I'm away from home. Thankfully, I did bring along a couple things as a slapdash shrine, and I even set it up in a spot where I look every morning. The problem is that I look but I don't see... I feel very out of touch with myself and my surroundings lately. Is it strange to say that I want to be more present in the moment so that I can daydream more effectively?

I guess I just miss him. I miss him a lot. I miss writing and drawing, and I miss reading Undertale stories and theories. I want to indulge more in the things that make me truly happy, and he's high up on that list! This is the sort of thing you just have to go for, right? I can decide to be happy. Maybe I can use him as motivation to be more mindful... to pay more attention to what's happening around me....

Sigh. It's late at night and absurdly hot inside and I can't open the windows (broken!!!) so I feel moody and gross for about a hundred different reasons— hence the rather sedate entry.... I think Sans would try to cheer me up, make me laugh a little bit, encourage me to focus on the things that are okay instead of the things that aren't. It's hard to be happy when you're exhausted. I'll put on a snowy song and try to sleep.

2023.04.26

When I have a car, I want a vanity plate that reads STMPWYFS. I'm allowed 8 characters, right? How do vanity plates work, anyways? Do I have to pay by the character? Regardless, it'll be worth every cent. I also want to hang my Banpresto Sans keychain from my rear view mirror. And I want a Sans bobblehead to put on my dashboard. That doesn't exist yet, so I'll have to have it custom made— that'll be worth it, too. And I want to put my Sans plushie in the back window. And I want a gigantic Sans decal on both sides so no matter what side of the road I'm driving on, everybody can see him. And I want Sans-themed rims, and Sans headlights that flash cyan and yellow like his eyes, and I want my horn to play the first four notes of "MEGALOVANIA," and I'm just fucking with you, okay. All that would be ridiculous. But I do want the vanity plate. I was not joking about that.

Anyways: I've been digitising some more stickers. A couple sheets that I scanned yesterday featured yummy, greasy-looking food, and there are more yet in my sticker books for sure. Instantly I thought of him. ♥ It'll be really fun and exciting to decorate new pages with them! Also, I've been writing fanfiction again. It's sort of generic XReader stuff— nothing I'd want to share on here but a good time nonetheless. Couple that with the fact that it's an old draft from months ago, so... yep, a long time in the works. I'll be happy when it's finally done.

I've no other Sans-related news to share, except that I so love and adore him and I want to be with him forever. When I compare him to my other fictional relationships, none lasted anywhere near as long as this, nor was my devotion anywhere near as intense. Like... I have framed photos of Sans Undertale in several key locations in my bedroom— one of which is bigger than my head and shaped like a heart.

It's not the best measurement of love, but I've never been so compelled to buy things like this. I've definitely, definitely cut back on my Sans-related spending (mostly because I have all the merch I want...) but, uh, it was certainly something. I've plastered him all over my room, phone, and computer; drawn and written and daydreamed about him every day; talked about him to all my friends and even my family; and he's my first and last thought every single day and night. He's just. He's everywhere. Sans Undertale, middle name Ubiquitous!

ARGGH!!! I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING!!

I'm going to go tidy up and rearrange a couple of my picture frames so I can see him more often.... There's a pair of photos on my bedside table that are not getting nearly enough love.

2023.04.21

The more I interact with small animals, the more I realise that the core of my daydream is for Sans to keep me like a pet. The idea first came to me months ago while playing with my cat, but dogsitting has really brought it home. This dog is very small and very clingy. She follows me like a shadow, perks up at the slighest bit of my attention, and when she's not sleeping, she's always staring at me. She also depends on me to live, which is frustrating and annoying, but luckily for Sans I'm not that helpless. With the dog, it's easier when I don't take her so seriously or worry too much about her— something my favourite skeleton has down to a fine art. Surely we'd get along fine.

The dynamic appeals to me because it plays at a sort of unconditional love. As much as the dog annoys me (mostly because I'm unused to the responsbility, and I'm a cat person anyways), I enjoy looking at her. She is so cute. Seeing her curled up asleep in her little bed brings me joy. And I like how excited she is to see me after I've been asleep myself or away from home. That's the same energy that I have for Sans. He makes me so happy, and I love him so much, and I'm always enthusiastic about his arrival! There's no way he wouldn't enjoy the attention at least a little bit.

I don't think Sans would actually think of me like a pet, though. That would imply some level of responsbility, and he already has a pet anyways— a rock, which he doesn't even remember to feed. The chance of him being an adequate caretaker is slim to none (though that doesn't stop me from imagining it). If anything, he'd think of me as "that little freak" and treat me with the according nonchalance and thinly-veiled superiority.

I guess that's the heart of it all: I do not respect small animals. I think they're cute and fun, and because their lives are precious I treat them with care and empathy, but I don't place much stock in their opinions. Like... okay, go ahead. Bark at the neighbours, you stupid animal. Whatever.

Seeing as I'm an advanced creature with a frontal lobe and a high empathy quotient, I think Sans might offer me a bit more leeway. It'd be nice for us to have conversations as equals, and for him to take my worries at least semi-seriously, but in every other facet of our relationship to just be like, "yep, there she goes again. That's my human." And he'd play with me, and annoy me on purpose, and when I stare at him like O_+O he just goes "hey," and pats my head, and maybe even asks me, "whaddya want?" without any intention of following through.

Sigh... I just like him so much. I love Sans. I love Sans. Perhaps these human-pet interactions are such fun for me because they offer insight into his point of view, and in a very mundane way. I don't have to work too hard at all. It's just another way for my thoughts to tend in his direction throughout my day, and see my mood brighten as a result.

Update: the dog shit in my bed. I now understand Sans more than ever before.

2023.04.15

When I was washing the windows the other day, I wondered, "why does rubbing a clean surface make that squeaking sound?" If I had wondered this aloud, and Sans had been nearby (certainly not washing the windows, maybe moving the dirty rags aside, at best), he would have told me.

The following passage is rated R15 for suggestive language and high-school physics.

"The stick-slip phenomenon," he'd say. "You wiped away all the dirt and grease, so now it's just you and the glass. No extra molecules to slow your roll. Unlike you, most things don't like getting rubbed up on without a little lube—"

"Hey!"

—"so it's protesting. When you're focused on cleaning, it's hard to notice, but if you pay close attention..." He'd put his hand over mine and together we'd make a slow, squeaky stripe across the already clean window. "You can feel your movement stopping and starting. That's the friction between two hard, flat surfaces sticking and slipping. And the more it sticks and slips, the more the static surface vibrates. And, you know, vibrations are sounds. This one just happens to be squeaky."

"Oh," I'd say, "so it's physics."

He'd shrug. "Most things are."

"Well, thank you," I'd reply, not one to be ungrateful. "You know, this is the most helpful you've been with cleaning all day."

"Glad to be of service."

I'd realise he was still holding my hand, boxing me against the window, and ask "... can you let me go now? I want to finish this."

"Oh, there's more?" He'd say, feigning surprise. Then he'd lean in and whisper, "isn't there something else you'd rather stick and slip?"

"Ugh, shut up!!!"

And he'd laugh at my flustered reaction, and I'd grumble that if he helped me clean, then I'd be done faster, and my schedule would clear up for whatever nonsense he had planned. But not even this can motivate him to do chores. He'd just sit back down, somewhere nearby, and watch. Maybe maybe move the dirty rags aside, at best.

I have this feeling that Sans is a font of knowledge. Doesn't he seem like the kind of guy who could explain in detail some random phenomenon as if it was something he had carefully studied? And hell, for all we know, maybe he did carefully study friction. It's basic physics, after all.

I like the idea that I'd become smarter because of him. Of course, because he's not here to teach me, I have to pursue the knowledge on my own, but it's just as rewarding. Plus, the learning is more thorough than it would have been if I'd just been told at random. The silly little fanfiction up there is a good example. In order to write it, I had to understand the stick-slip phenomenon well enough to explain it in Sans' voice. Researching it and writing about it has basically cemented the concept in my brain.

Hehe... I think he'd be proud of me for something like this. It's very silly, yes, but I am learning, and I think an increase in knowledge is always a good thing. It was fun to write, too. I think my Sans voice is getting good. I've recently picked up a book on writing comedy, so here's hoping it gets even better!!! I've been meaning to study his canon dialogue in more depth, too, and to analyse my favourite fanfictions as well. There's lots and lots to do and learn... At times it's daunting, but it's also very exciting!