May 2024

It's a beautiful day outside! It's not too hot yet, but I ran my fan all night anyways to keep the bugs from getting comfy in my room. Eventually I'll learn to coexist with them, but for now... I must take the proper precautions.

I woke up feeling pretty listless— I must have rolled out of bed at, what, noon?— and had a couple moments where I went, "ugh! I dunno what to do! What do I do?!?!?" When my decision paralysis was at its most severe, I... unloaded and reloaded the dishwash, and then put on a face mask. It's still on me right now, actually. This entry is sort of time limited to when I need to take it off— or it would be, if I was paying proper attention and knew how long it's already been. LOL.

Anyways, it feels good! I'm enjoying it!!! Maybe it's weird, but I like the way apple cider vinegar stings. I've been rinsing my hair with it every time I shower, too, and I swear it makes it softer and fluffier. I only started doing it because we have a huge jug to use up before we move away, but I think that I'll keep doing it from now on. Along with the tingly goodness of mint, ACV is definitely my favourite thing to put on my body.

More importantly... After I finish writing here, I'm going to pack up my computer! I was hesitant to do it because I know that I'll be bored, time's a running out and I can't decide on any other productive thing to do. I'm not sure what this means for Vivarism— I still have a laptop I can use, but I... don't like using it! The screen is too small and I can't read it! Maybe if I crank up the UI scale to some insane amount, it'll work for me, but... nah, my eyes are too bad.

I may be able to stomach making up a June diary layout and writing a few entries, at least. We'll just have to see. I'll consider that a problem for future Flonne to deal with.

So, for the few months that I'm robbed of my beloved 'puter, I imagine I'll spend a lot of time drawing on my lil Samsung tablet, making pixel art in Dotpict... I'll lay down in various places and write Sansfiction on my phone— weirdly enough, I do my best work on mobile— and read plenty of it, too. Read real books, also! And... I want to be more social. I'll have lots and lots of downtime, so I think that I can make it happen. And there's that whole thing I said about "returning to the familiar" that I mentioned before.

... okay, this face mask is ready to come off. So I'll end my diary here, too! Catch you later, everyone.

It was warm outside today, I think. Certainly, it's hot inside my room now. The airflow generally isn't great and my computer is positioned fairly awkwardly, so when I play games it heats up my whole desk area. Soon enough, I'll have to pack it away, and when I get to my new place, I'll have the opportunity to use what I've learned to set up an even better configuration. In the meantime, I'll just keep wasting time...

That's the least charitable way to describe my activities today. I slept late, laid in bed for a few hours, watched anime, ate leftovers, went back to bed and even fell asleep(!!), then woke up and played video games and... now I'm here. Even journaling like this is a frivolous activity compared to what I'm supposed to be doing.

Simply put, I need to pack up my things. Despite having moved so many times, I've never put so much thought into what I was taking with me, what I was leaving behind, or even the arrangement of my belongings. My ignorance delays me. Until now, I was pushing through it somehow— I guess I just felt energetic enough to try, despite the difficulties. But today... I dunno. I woke up exhausted.

I figured, "I better get some rest," instead of trying to push myself. So I did fun, inconsequential things all day, and didn't fight the urge to nap. I didn't beat myself up about it, either. If I'm not going to get anything done either way, I should at least enjoy this downtime, right? I still have some unsettling automatic/intrusive thoughts, but I'm pretty proud of myself for being so patient about it... I can't say that I've been caught in a shame spiral since March.

I'm still afraid that I'll end up right back in the worst of it, though. This morning, when I was first coming to terms with my tiredness, I told myself, "I can't afford to be exhausted right now. These days are too busy, there's so much to do. If I end up back in the hole, it'll all fall apart."

And there's some truth to that... It would be beyond inconvenient if I was abruptly sidelined at such a pivotal moment. But the hole itself is not a bad thing. What I actually can't afford is to stay there. Everybody gets tired sometimes, and the best thing to do then is rest. My problem, I think, has been letting that natural rest-response bleed into depressive stagnation. One thing or another frightens or overwhelms me, and so I stay in bed, and so life passes me by.

Today, having halfway reflected on this, I tried to energise myself in small ways: eating a full portion at breakfast, doodling while I watched Sanrio Danshi, getting out of bed to play games instead of staying in bed all evening. Even writing this diary entry is meant to keep my momentum up. I think it's working. I think tomorrow will be better.

I have a clear task for tomorrow, too. Part of the trouble with packing is that, when I look at all of my stuff and the containers I'm going to cram it into, I feel straight up confused. I identified this morning that I felt lost and in need of guidance, but I was too tired to contemplate what to do about that. In the end, the solution sort of fell in my lap. At least I'll be productive tomorrow. I need to feel accomplished... That will pump me back up a bit.

Besides that, what else can I say...? I feel kind of stinky and weird. Also hungry. I want to eat cheese and grapes and read fanfiction until the wee hours of the morning. It's already late at night... not even the 21st anymore, technically, but eh it is what it is. I feel sort of inarticulate right now, and sore in my left arm and in my jaw. My mouth always feels weird lately. Maybe I'd feel less tense if I smiled more?

I definitely have been smiling more lately. I've got lots of funny people around to make me laugh, and I feel more often in a joking mood than before. It's nice...! But maybe it's not enough. Maybe I need a massage. Who knows. I want to get one of those cheap shampoo/scalp massagers and use it to work out the kinks in my cheeks. There's no way I'd ever be able to use it for its intended purpose with how thick my hair is... Until then, I'll just use my fingers, I suppose.

Hey, speaking of touch, I've been thinking about that lately... How I just can't stand the thought of someone standing close to me, examining my face and body, actually laying hands on me. After so many years spent in isolation, the thought repulses me— mainly because I, myself, am repulsive. There's a good chance that I'm overestimating how gross and ugly I am, but even if I was Normal and Clean, I still don't know how to exist in meatspace and interact with other people.

It's easy enough to feign competence. All you have to do is be polite and laugh on cue, then run away at the first socially acceptable opportunity. I am confident in my ability to make decent impressions on strangers and maintain casual 3D acquaintanceships. But... friends? Someone with whom I sit side by side? Someone who might want to get in my face or touch my arm or, God forbid, give me a hug? I don't know that I could handle it. It's too foreign. I feel like a skittish animal. I'd need to turn my whole body away and run.

Something else I've been thinking about— for years though, not just over the past few days— is how stunted I am in my body language catalogue. When I read fiction, I'm awed by certain authors' abilities to convey emotion and meaning through physical mannerisms. Obviously, I understand them in context, and I think I'd be able to pick up on these things in-person, too (my natural intuition really carries me, heh), but I couldn't for the life of me pull a detail like that out of my own brain and put it on the page. I just... don't get out enough. I have yet to observe people with the necessary closeness.

Those learning exercises are going to be impeded by my pathological aversion to proximity, I'm sure.

It's a beautiful spring day out there! Even though I've stayed inside as usual, spring has sent its little insects over to greet me. The other day I reached into my old tote bag and found a spider inside!!! It startled me so bad, I screamed and dropped the bag, then mustered the courage to... move the bag into another room without dealing with the spider at all. Lol. Since then, I've been hypervigilant of anything small, black, and skittery, which unfortunately includes stray curls from my own hair.

I love to tell everyone on the internet that I love bugs, but I'm most definitely a fake fan. I can't name even 3 times where I encountered an insect that didn't end with me crying, complaining, or running away.... The other day I threw a whole fit over a damselfly sleeping on the kitchen window. It's embarrassing!!! I want to increase my tolerance... I want to be like those people in nature documentaries who have flies buzzing all around them and they don't even blink.

I can talk a big game about how much I love this iconic video of a Sand Spider, but the fact of the matter is that a 3-second sighting of a Real Spider the size of a nickel has given me three days worth of paranoia. It's not as dramatic as I might be making it sound, but if I have to remind my half-awake self that, actually, spiders are very unlikely to crawl inside your mouth while you sleep even once... that's one time too many. The fact that it hapepened twice has me totally fed up!

Heh... Despite my complaining, I'm actually in pretty good spirits, though I couldn't tell you exactly why. What changed? It's probably not the weather affecting my mood, since I've been cooped up inside for months on end. My diet's the same, I'm as physically inactive as ever, and it's not like I've gotten any new responsibilities or hobbies or anything. I mean... I did stop taking my vitamins for like 2 weeks, so maybe that's it? If I'd gotten my yearly physical on time, I'd know for sure whether or not I was somehow overdosing on calcium.

Most likely, it's just a matter of inertia. I've spent a lot more time doing creative things, like drawing and webdevving, and generally just being upright and out of bed. Sure, I still get tired out easily, and I'm often anxious, occasionally irritable, but there's a sense of optimism about me, too. Some spirit and drive.... My social supports are pretty good right now, too. I got to visit my favourite family members before I move away and, for the past month or so, my days have been regularly blessed with the best group chat I've ever had.

That makes my "pretty good" assessment from before sound like a big understatement now, haha. It's just... weird, I guess. Weird and new for me to actually enjoy socialising, to feel confident that I can do it consistently (with this group, anyway), to settle into bed at the end of the night thinking, "wow! I got all the affection I needed today!" I'm so much nicer to myself these days, and I know that's becaue love from the outside inspires love from within, and vice versa. I don't know how to feel except fortunate... and guilty. Because of course I'll feel guilty, too! She and shame are my regular bed partners, after all.

The guilt comes from thinking about all friends I have been, in my mind, "neglecting." Neglect is a strong word, though, so I'm not sure that it really fits, especially when I consider just how patient and understanding everyone has been with me. It's like how I wonder— is something a burden if the one bearing it would never call it "burdensome?" Language is a tricky thing, but it's how I understand the world I live in. Words and their meanings are very important to me.

So I'll just leave behind the "neglect" debate and return to the facts: I get quiet. I go ghost. I struggle to stay in touch with people because of my own neuroses and psychosocial hangups. Most of the time, it starts because I'm just too tired to chat, and then the days drag into weeks and maybe even months, and the longer the dry period, the harder it is for me to muster up the strength to say, "hi," even if I've been doing better for some time now. But then there is the problem of my recurrent "crashes," where I'm fine for like three days and then lose an entire month to depression. That's just the life I've been living, and have been living for years. It makes pretty much everything conducive to happiness and healthy living at least x10 harder.

But this is not about that. This is about all the people whom I like and love and appreciate and consider as my friends, acquaintances, or at least peers, who haven't heard anything from me in at least 72 hours. People whom I really, truly want to talk to, get to know, laugh along with and support... People whom I am currently mostly-fine without. It just... doesn't sit right with me. How dare I be so content right now? Does my satisfaction cheapen those relationships? I can't understand it, and more than that I'm afraid.

It's the same kind of fear that governs my other spells of self-isolation, the same fear that drags me into my sad, lonely little corner and keeps me there as long as it can, smothers every "hi again, it's been a while!" and tells me talking is just too hard right now. I'll get to it later. I'll feel stronger later. Later, I'll be with those people again.

The difference is that, for the first time ever, I'm not totally cut off from everyone. This time, I still have friends to have fun with, who accept my affection and give it back in spades, who make me laugh and cry and think hard, and encourage me to be my best self in so many ways... I didn't know this "fear of socialising" could exist alongside a "love of socialising." To put it lightly... it's fucking throwing me off!!!

Sorry for swearing, haha. I guess this just goes to show that, even in my current quasi-contentment, there are still some things I need to take care of. And I think, rather than beating myself up for playing favourites or being "neglectful," I should be grateful for this brand new experience. Isn't this the foundation I've been lacking? The solid ground I've been searching for? Finally, I've got somewhere safe to plant my feet while I reach out for something more.

So, to all the people I haven't spoken to in a while, if you happen to be reading this: I miss you and I'll get back to you... eventually! Lol, sorry for the sudden drop in hopeful language, but I don't want to make any promises because we'll both be disappointed. I need to go at my own pace... but I also know I need to push myself a little more. I don't know when or how I'm going to make that happen, but I really do want to try. I want to do my best for everyone's sake, but especially for my own. I want to be the kind of friend that people are willing to wait for.

I have a feeling that after I move away, when I'm in a brand new place where everything is new (and scary), I'll be more motivated to return to things that I already know, and I'll finally fulfill the obligations I've made for myself. At least that's what I'm banking on. If it doesn't happen that way... well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Hmm... what else can I say? I feel like I should say more!!! Umm... ehh... I dunno. I tired myself out, LOL. I did that thing where I start to write and then get sidetracked doing other things, and then all of a sudden it's bedtime! So... I'm gonna get in bed. I won't even upload this til tomorrow— that's just how sleepy I am.

Full disclosure, I wrote the beginning and ending of this entry on the 14th and then, on the 16th, after reading Bridget's latest scribbles, felt confident enough to say what I really wanted to share. Before this, I was really censoring myself for fear of hurting the friends I've been distant from, for fear of judgement by people who would assume the worst of me... But I believe it's important to speak honestly, not just for honesty's sake, or for keeping accurate records of my thoughts and feelings, but so those very same people who might feel hurt or cast judgement could understand me a little better. And then, no matter what the response, I can say that I did my part. I tried my best. I was myself, for that's all I can be.

It's a beautiful day outside! When I got out of bed, I opened all the windows and brought a nice, warm breeze into the house. More recently, when I went out to get the mail, I didn't even put my pants on. The trees are not fully green just yet, but they've filled out so beautifully in just the past week. Is it already summertime...? I haven't changed the data on my magnetic calendar since 22 April— let me update it now!

... and then I got sidetracked updating all sorts of things... All Vivarism stuff— like putting some of this year's art on my Undertale Gallery, updating the button wall on my Explore page, and moving stuff around on the Homepage, too. Pretty sure I did some other stuff that I can't even remember.

Christ. I am too hungry to write this right now. I need to eat dinner!!!

... okay, phew! I feel better now, having scarfed down some lukewarm leftovers. While I ate, I watched the first episode of Sanrio Danshi (2018), which was so much more emotionally demanding than I thought it'd be. I'm not complaining, though— it actually felt really good to cry. I'm not the type to hold back my tears at all, but for some reason I've spent the past few months feeling like I really, really need to cry, the kind where you just revel in your own misery for a good twenty minutes, but I stop short whenever it starts up. It's frustrating.

I did cry the other day, though, for longer than I'd have liked with an audience present. I learnt then that if you try to keep your eyes shut while your tears bubble up, that your eyelids will twitch uncontrollably with the effort of keeping them inside. It was quite the unpleasant sensation. From now on, I'll just let them spill no matter what.

When I started creating this month's layout, there were at least a few things I wanted to write about. All those topics escape me, now— except the one where I complain about my diary entries being boring. Hah. And I'd just blame it on my mental illness, as usual... But I won't subject anyone to that right now. I guess I'm just too tired.

I want to live my life one hour at a time, but how can I do that when I'm barely aware of the time passing? I'm happy to report that I was upright at my desk all day, caught in a flow state doing my webby stuff, but... aren't I supposed to take breaks? Get up and stretch? Pay attention not only to the things happening around me, but inside of me, too? I'm sure I got up a few times but... I barely remember it. I think my brain is not working right now.

Maybe I didn't sleep enough. Suddenly everything hurts. I'm going to get in bed...