June 2024

Finally! I'm reunited with my beloved computer!!!

The desk came with the house, and I'm surprised by how much I like the tiered shelving off to the side. It also has one of those rollout keyboard trays that I've been coveting. Not only is it better for my posture, but it frees up a ton of space on the desktop for all my other junk. "Junk" being my journals, my Divoom Ditoo, my water bottle (his name is Bart), and two Sans plushies standing on either side of my monitor "like those regal looking lion statues that guard castles." Thank you Pomelo for that joke! I can't ever move them now. They have a job to do.

Draped over the chair is the dress I wore on the day I moved in. It's a nice, soft cotton, making it the perfect barrier between me and the most abhorrent fabric texture I've ever felt in my life. The first time I sat down on the chair with bare legs, I shot straight back up with a sour look on my face. A chair near-identical to the one at my old place will arrive in a few weeks time. Until then, I'm so grateful to have a set-up that's already so satisfying to use.

The PC itself took very well to all this travel. Initially, I'd planned to take out the GPU and carry it separately— just to ease the burden on the motherboard— but it was screwed in so well that I couldn't figure it out. In the end, it seems I had nothing to worry about. Inside the case, the only issue that was immediately apparent was my CPU fan coming loose from the chip. I just popped it back into place and things are fine now, but I've got some thermal paste on the way to make sure it properly cools. Some of the stickers on the case are peeling away due to humidity (and age... it's been a whole year!) but that's nothing some strips of tape can't fix.

All in all, I'm very pleased with how everything turned out!!! Even though I took the utmost care in packing everything up, I knew there was a chance that my PC might be dead on arrival. I felt such relief when I opened up the (many layers) of packaging foam and bubble wrap and anti-static paper to see that she was just fine! My monitor made it safely, too, as did all my accessories. It seems like my keyboard may have gotten a bit banged up— you can see in the photo, one of the internal lights is on when it shouldn't be— but I'm not super worried about that. The keys themselves and the global lighting effects function as they should and that's all that matters to me.

My only real concern was the absolutely abysmal startup time. I didn't time it, but it felt like 5 whole minutes! What is this? The year 1999? If it happens again, I'll try to fiddle with some things... But for now, ahh! I'm just so happy! I missed my computer!!!! I missed web development and playing games and looking at a big, bright screen! I missed my Sans wallpaper, and my music library, and my kindergarten Califone mouse...

I feel so excited to decorate the rest of my room. Living in a brand new place is taking a lot of getting used to, but day by day I'm settling in more and more. I keep remarking out loud, "I live here!" and feeling pleased with the thought. Even now, I'm smiling softly to myself...

I'm gonna be okay. Things will be hard sometimes. Other times, they'll be easy. Recently, I heard that «la vie commence à quarante ans,» and that reminded me that I have so much more life to live, and so much to learn. Less recently, I was introduced to the concept of thoughts and feelings being mere "events that happen in your mind." That really fascinated me, because it reminds me of the crux of The Work. Katie says, "I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn't believe them I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that."

So the whole "events in your mind" thing could be likened to weather. You walk out into a downpour, and then you feel cold, wet, and miserable... Imagine how terrible that would be if you couldn't tell it was raining. All of sudden, everything sucks and you don't know why. An umbrella or a coat would have helped, but you didn't know to bring them— and without an awareness of the rain or how to deal with it, they won't seem at all like solutions. You don't know that the rain is going to eventually dry up and end. All you know is that you're miserable, and something unexpected and beyond-your-control is to blame. Maybe you start to believe that merely stepping outside is the problem and summarily shut yourself indoors.

... am I making any sense? What I'm trying to say is that when we don't understand our internal experiences— when we automatically believe whatever thought pops into our heads, or decide that what we're feeling right now is something we're going to feel forever— we make ourselves suffer. Going forward, I'll think of those times that I'm irritated as storm clouds passing through. It doesn't mean that I'm an angry person, or that I'll always respond to stress with egoistic bullshit.

It's just the weather. ┼

I stumbled to the kitchen sink at 2:23AM, looking to refill my water bottle. I'm so parched lately. It was so dark I couldn't see the stream from the tap and had to rely on the sound alone. For some reason, I couldn't hear the telltale "glass filling up" rise in pitch, so I turned the faucet off and on and off again, searching for that sweet spot before it spills.

It's raining now and I love the sound of it. The patter on the roof, the trickle from the gutters... I love it when a whole surge of water comes out, and suddenly the rain is twice as loud. I'd been listening to "Karma" and "Megalolazing" for company, but I turned them off to be with nature instead.

i'm writing now because I have a lot to say, I suppose. I had so much fun in May, things seemed to really be turning around, but June has been hard on me. Every room I walk into feels like a liminal space. I regularly wonder if this is my real life, or if I'm alive at all. This is not abnormal for someone who packed up a fraction of their possessions and moved far, far away, into a totally different culture and biome. That thought gives me comfort, though overall I don't think I'm managing well.

That's because, so long as things are unfamiliar, nowhere is "safe." I've realised what I call agoraphobia is shorthand (in part) for "phobia of being more than 1 minute away from my bed, the one place in the world that feels like it belongs entirely to me." No matter how I felt, or what I'd done wrong, I knew I could snuggle up in bed with all my pillows and blankets and my teddybear, and even if I couldn't fully relax, at least it'd be soft and quiet and I'd have some much needed solitude.

That place doesnt exist anymore. A month ago, it disappeared, leaving me without anywhere to retreat. Sure, I can find some security in "wherever it is that I'm sleeping," but none of these places have felt like "my bed." There's a persistent sense of strangeness and unease, physical discomforts that linger and keep me on edge. It could be weeks before it gets any better. Maybe even months. I'm totally unprepared to endure that.

At the best of times I consider myself burdensome, so this feeling of being an "unwelcome guest in the house" only drains me even more. That's the other part of the phobia: a pervasive, paranoid belief that if someone sees me, they'll be overcome by a violent rage and kill me for trespassing, and I would deserve it because I'm ugly, stupid, worthless, etc.. But even if I "know" that I deserve it, my survival instincts win. I don't want to die, and I can't make myself believe that I belong, so I just stay... wherever it is that I'm sleeping. I only made it to the kitchen for water because it was the middle of the night.

... I went again, just now, because even though the sun is up, it seems no one else is awake. That's one of the reasons I've always treasured early mornings. When the human beings are asleep, I feel more confident gallivanting through their territory. That sounds strange because it is, and trust me when I say this strangeness is unbearable. I'd give anything to be normal, untroubled by these senseless anxieties...

Their factual sensibilities notwithstanding, of course. When I remember the genesis of my fears, and the events that pushed me into legitimate psychosis, I just feel sorry for myself, and long even more for the comfort of my bed. My bed. A place that no longer exists and won't again for God knows how long.

I feel better when I'm distracted. This morning, I played a few rounds of Sumaddle. It's a Sudoku type puzzle game that is tricky but very, very fun. I'm proud to say I'm getting the hang of it! Less proud to realise only now that the name is a pun on "sum," "addition," and "addle..." But hey, better late than never, right?

Before that, I spent an hour or so just staring at my all-time favourite drawing of Sans. I love him so much... He always, always makes me smile. I imagined he was talking to me gently, coaxing me back to sleep. I started dozing off a few times, but I've decided to stay awake.

Other days I passed the time writing. I've got some Sansgoki WIPs I'm excited to finish up and share. I'm sad that I couldn't read Couch Gag like I'd planned, but with how stressed out I've felt all month, now's really not the time to confront a piece of literature that's guaranteed to make me spiral. I've got to get stronger first.

Here's a list of some other things that I'll get strong enough to do:

1. Learn to swim
2. Learn to drive
3. Climb a tree
4. Go out at night to see the stars

Hello again! Today it was hot and humid, but not oppressively so, and the sky shifted from blue in the morning to overcast in the afternoon. I swear, it's going to rain soon. I'm so excited to experience my first thunderstorm in my new home.

I haven't unpacked yet, but I couldn't stand being blogless, so I pulled out my laptop and whipped up a little design for June. What do you think? I like how blue it is! And this month's Sans icon— drawn by Kura_UTDR of dirty Sanster fame— is so so so sooooo cute. I love Sans... just the sight of him makes me smile!

Before I moved away, I remembered to back up my pixel & background collection, but not import it to my laptop, so I shopped around in Lapin's "oldweb gfx hoard" for some assets. Without Clip Studio Paint, I had to adjust my texture bg's with an in-browser image editor... Dark times!!! But it could be worse, right? Sure, this design is not my best work, but how can it be when I'm playing with a handicap? Most importantly, it'll do. I just need somewhere to write!

And what I want to write about is... going outside!!! In the past 3 weeks, I've been outside more regularly than I have in two whole years. I'm really pushing myself to be more independent, too, even though being unaccompanied dials up my terror by 10. This whole "moving away" thing has thoroughly obliterated my routines and sense of privacy, but also forced me to shape up on the agoraphobia front. If I don't go out, then I don't eat. Simple as! And I've never been good at going hungry...

Today was my first day in a long time that I had "to myself." I was planning to go out for a leisurely stroll to enjoy the sunshine and the flowers, but by noontime I knew I was too scared to do something so "frivolous." Having a justifiable reason for my excursion helps with the paranoia and the guilt, and "just for fun!" isn't enough for me, yet. I know that everybody needs fresh air and recreation, but I've yet to consider myself a part of that collective. Someday, surely, I'll recognise my humanity.

But anyways... that means I waited until I was hungry to make up my mind about going outside. I ordered food, charted my course, and sort of dawdled on my way out... but in the end, I made it to the cafe and back with my takeout boxes in hand. I'm glad that I had the foresight to pick up two meals at once, because my heart could not handle doing all that twice in one day, or even two days in succession.

I was only gone for twenty or twenty-five minutes at most, but on the way back I really felt like crying. I had to pretend that Sans was with me, holding my hand, reassuring me that everything was fine and that I'd done a good job. It really helped... I like the way he talks to me. I still need to get a better grip on his characterisation, but even when he doesn't sound quite like himself, his words are always comforting.

Once I made it inside, I rushed to undress and eat, willing myself to come back out of Phobia Mode^™. The food was delicious— some of the best I've had in my life, tbh!! I am definitely going back there!— and I kept trying to focus on that instead of letting my thoughts race. It... didn't really work. By the end of the meal, I was still trembling. Though I only intended to lay down and relax, once I put on some soft music and snuggled up in my blankets (again, with Sans! Always with Sans!!), I fell fast asleep.

The nap itself was great. I could have done without the uncomfortable tone of my dreams, but they were nowhere near as terrifying as my nightmares usually are. I hope that those will finally stop, now that my location-specific paranoia no longer applies. I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Anyways, I woke up wondering if "brave" was a feeling or a character trait. It's indisputable that I've been very, very brave recently, but I can't say that I ever felt a sense of bravery. It reminds me of something I heard before— now this month's mini quote(?)— "do it scared." It's a reminder that courage is not about fearlessness, but about acting in spite of one's fears.

That's how it is for me when I force myself outside, exchange words with people, try to smile and meet their eyes. I hope they don't pay too much attention to me or remember me for more than a second, and I really hope the terror doesn't show on my face. If it did, would that make them want to go easy on me...? I wonder. I think everything is already on "easy mode," but because I'm so messed up, I have to struggle just to keep up.

It won't always be this way. I can get stronger. I can work hard and become someone I admire. Even before that, I can become someone who goes outside.