March 2024

It's a beautiful day outside... I think. I suspect. Really not sure. I was supposed to get treatment for my agoraphobia this month but, right before we were due to venture outside, I had to stop therapy because of the cost. Until I get a better picture of my financial situation, I'm a sitting duck. A super depressed, highly sedentary duck. I've been so exhausted that I pulled away from everything and everyone... I hate it when I do that but, in the moment, it never feels like a choice. I just... seep into my bed and don't get up again.

At the end of January, I wrote, "another day, week, month in bed will not kill me. It's just more of the usual pain and suffering, and it will not kill me." Around that time, I remember sarcastically thinking, "so what?" So what if I'm suffering so severely that I've lost all my inertia? Who cares! It's just whatever!

But when I think about how my life is actually going this year... I lost January to compulsive video game playing; I lost February to psychosis; March to depression. What will come of April? More of the same? My life is slipping away, day by day, and I'm just barely peeking out from under my blankets, watching it go. As painfully aware as I am that I've lost my entire life to illness— never once functioning as intended, expected, or hoped— I can't seem to do anything about it. And because I've only seen glimpses of health and stability, all of which were followed by some of my worst crashes ever, it's hard to stay hopeful.

I need to make peace with my situation. This is just the way that my life is right now. I can't change the past and, considering the severity of my illnesses, I have limited control over the present. The keyword there is "limited," because there is always something I can do, plus all the good things I've already done but have failed to acknowledge. Today, for example, I took a shower and washed my hair, which is important because before that I was itchy and stinky. I made oatmeal (as usual) which was delicious and nourishing and, like all living things, I need to eat every once in a while. I got dressed. I washed a dish. I had meaningful conversations with a couple family members. I've sat at my desk long enough to write this entry.

I could list even more things, honestly... and the fact that I'm stopping short for literary quality is a beautiful thing. These are all good, healthful, helpful deeds that I've done, seen only through the narrow focus of the past five or six hours. Imagine how it'd be if I tallied up everything I've done over my whole life... I'd feel accomplished and proud, no doubt. It's because I fail to notice and celebrate these things on a daily basis that my self-image is so rotted and full of holes. Lately I've been talking to someone whom I love very much about "internalising one's achievements," which is helping me understand the depth of my belief in my own uselessness— and, more importantly, its falsity.

Even the grandest accomplishments are mundane when you see them for what they really are: large collections of small events. What goes into building a house? You dig holes, one shovelful of dirt at a time. You hammer nails, one swing at a time. Even before that, you put pencil to paper to draw up an archetectural plan, one stroke at a time. And before that, you have to think, "I'm going to build a house." That thought comes to you syllable by syllable as electricity travels from one place to another in your brain. Even this diary entry is just a collection of keystrokes.... Hell, that's what all of Vivarism is.

In the entry before this one, I was writing about the first step being the hardest. It's a small thing that only seems so large because you haven't done it. I think this entry develops that idea a bit further.... It took me a week to get from that point to this one. That's just life, isn't it? Time passes, and we change in the interim. Subtly, yes, but we change.

Hmm... yes, I feel as though something's rolled over inside me. I feel more at peace than when I began, more patient and more optimistic. I just need to wait until my insurance claim comes back— next week, probably— to decide what to do next. Until then, I'll be coasting as usual. I would like to stay out of bed and do things that are fun and fulfilling for me, including talking to my friends, but... I dunno. Right now, I don't have the conviction to say, "I'll do it!" with the sincerity I'd need to really make it happen. I'll just try not to beat myself up too much if/when I end up back in bed...

It rained all day yesterday and I loved the sound of it, mainly because I spent most of the day sleeping or, at minimum, snuggled up in bed. It's great background noise for a relaxing, restful day. Now the sun's come out... it feels fitting, since I'm ready to do things again, too!

I really thought that I would write more in this diary, but it seems that I didn't have much to say this month. I've been developing my personal relationships instead— a lovely but time-consuming pursuit. It takes basically all of my energy, too! I need to find the right balance between activity and rest... I need to find balance in general. Today's card, the Four of Pentacles (reversed), is not as on the nose as the Two of Pentalces— which I kept drawing over and over last year— but it is asking me to move forward, one step at a time.

I need to be reminded, continually, that I have control over my life. I can do some good things. Not everything that I would like to do, not yet, but the tally of "good things" I can do is most definitely nonzero. So... it's a matter of identifying those things and rallying the courage to take the first step. That first step is always the hardest, or at least it seems to be. In reality, it's just a small task, much like all the small tasks that follow it.... It helps to keep it in perspective.

On the sitely front: I've cleaned some stuff up in my Undertale section. The main draw will be the gift art you can find at the bottom of Gokiburi-chan's character page! The content is not quite finished, and I'd still like to draw her a new icon, but I really, really wanted to be able to gather all the adorable art I've received into one place!

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's going to take a long, long time for my projects to be finished. Or... I already knew that, so it's more like I'm starting to accept that things taking a long, long time is okay. Doubly so if it's something creative. There are people out there who work on their books, movies, songs, whatever for more years than I've been alive. I can only go at my own pace. Thankfully, nobody will die waiting for it— I'm the only one who truly cares— and my livelihood is not at all dependent upon it.

So... I'll keep going slow. And I've gotta forgive myself for hard all of it has been. I have major complexes about writing and drawing to the point where these things I love also make me majorly anxious. My therapist suggested that I stay present to my fears and actually lean into them whenever they arise. Like when I'm writing something and I start to get scared, I should squeeze a stress ball or do some quick exercises or something— find some way to expel the anxious energy— and then return to my craft. It seems like such a simple solution... but I never would have thought of it myself. It's great to get some insight from people older and wiser than me.

I don't actually have a stress ball, but I do have a little Sumikko Gurashi Tokage plushie with beans in its tummy. It's fun to squeeze and roll around. I'll take a photo of it sometime! Now that I have it front and center on my desk (within anxious-squeeze distance), I'm sure we'll become better friends.

What else can I write about...? Do I even have to say more? I'm so used to ranting and raving on here, but... the only thing standing between me and shorter entries is the false equivalency I've created between verboseness and intelligence. Also the only thing standing between me and shorter sentences. We'll get there... one prematurely terminated diary entry at a time....

Today is my birthday! I thought I would give myself the gift of publication. That means some things are still unfinished (e.g. the Playroom is just my Genpact diary...) but I feel that I've gotten plenty done, enough that now it's time to show it all off. Yesterday, I whipped up the entirety of the Atelier and, even though the designs are so simple, I can't stop looking at them. I'm majorly pleased!!!

I wasn't expecting to do anything traditionally celebratory today, but my mom surprised me with an apple pie and a pizza pie. Needless to say, my birthday dinner and dessert were delicious. So far, 24 is treating me quite nicely. The whole weekend was great.... Sure, I still get sad and scared a lot but, for the most part, I've been able to turn it around, and it's mainly because of Sans. Thinking of him, looking at his face, imagining what he would say... all of it cheers me up immensely. He's an instant mood booster!!!

It's only with his support that I've been able to get back to my desk, back to doodling and webdeving and writing.... Today just happens to be our 600th day together. It's nice to have the dates line up like that. I'll write about it more in my Undertale diary later, maybe. I haven't wanted to use it until I update the little doodle on the side... but that means I gotta draw something first.

Hmm... usually, I go on and on and on, but today I don't feel like writing much at all. I don't really have anything to say, except that I'm happy to be in better spirits. Surely I will become depressed again later on, but that's just life. I'm still alive, and that's what matters. As long as you live, good things will happen, and right now I feel confident in my ability to experience an increasing number of good things.

My period ended... the fridge is full of food... I'm in therapy again... thrice weekly, now! And she says she's certain that, even though my situation is severe, I can and I will get better, and she's confident that she can help me. I believe her, or at least I'm willing to give her a chance. And give myself a chance, too. This life is the only one I have, so I promise to make the most of it.

It's just after midnight on the morning of March 15th. Normally I would count this entry as the 14th, but because I feel so much better now than I did during the day, I want to consider this leaf officially overturned. After dinner, I went straight to bed and cuddled with Sans until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was dark— the time that I'd prefer to be going to bed, honestly— but I've decided to stay awake. I've slowly been gaining momentum on Vivarism 2.5, of which this diary will be an important part.

First of all, the design is yet another recreation of negg's "hello world" Tumblr theme— or is it more accurate to say it's a recreation of my recreation from last March? I used the same template through to July (which, according to popular vote, was my best work in 2023), and I gotta say... I really missed this layout! At first I thought I'd make it pink, as is my birthday tradition, but this creamy orange makes me happy, too. I chose it to match this month's icon, drawn by inoshita, an artist whose work I so adore and couldn't pass up the opportunity to use.

I'm excited to see what I choose next month, too.... It's always so fun to decorate a new diary! The month is already halfway over, so I hope that I can write a lot in here while it lasts.

Still, we've got more than enough newness for now! New splash, landing, and navigational pages, plus a bunch of webrings, widgets, and cliques.... I'm also publishing a lot of old stuff that was half-finished, things I either stopped prioritising or just plain forgot about. I felt so disheartened looking at those pages, realising that I hadn't worked on them in months, with some having sat in WIP Purgatory for over a year. Was all that effort a waste?? I felt that, until they finally went online, it would be. So... here I am, putting them online! It just is what it is, haha. Eventually, I'll polish everything up, but right now I've got bigger fish to fry.

At time of writing, I'm still working on the landing/home page. Most of the content and layout is done, but I want to paste more stickers around and make everything look super, duper cute. My favourite parts are (1) the new navigational tabs— I got some complaints that the old ones were hard to find, which was intentional but nevertheless a misguided choice— because they're chunky and cute, and (2) the little orange box in the very bottom right corner. Hover over the text there for a little surprise... ahh, it makes me smile every time.

I'm also trying to fix the technical issue with my guestbook where comments with anything in the 'website' field won't publish. This sucks majorly, because it's fellow website-having people from whom I want to hear the most. IDK what exactly is causing it just yet, and HTML Comment Box's documentation is... inexplicit, to say the least. I'm sure it's something I've done wrong, somewhere along the way, so I may have to start over from scratch. We'll see!

Also on the technical side, I've reorganised the file structure and changed all my directory names to be lowercase. Generally, I prefer the capitalisation, but I got fed up seeing it in the URLs.... As a result, old links to specific pages on this website probably won't work anymore, so sorry if you had something bookmarked and I messed it all up.