March 2023

2023.04.02

Today was extremely windy and cold! At least the sun came out in the afternoon, and even though it's past 18H now, it's still up. That's another sign that spring is approaching, right?! ← (desperate) The trees are still lacking their leaves, but the one outside my window has bright red buds on it that get bigger every day. I'm really hoping it'll warm up soon. I can't wait until everything is green again.

Anyways... it's April, but I'm still here in my March diary! Why is that? Well, for the same reason that I'm typing up this entry in the Neocities native editor— which I have not used in at least two or three years. Talk about a blast from the past. It's so rudimentary, I kind of hate it?! But for that very reason, I feel glad that I learnt the bulk of my fundamentals in here. I may find the lack of autocompletion annoying now, starting here really made me appreciate the finery of punctuation.

OMG. That is such a tangent. The important thing is that Vivarism is getting a massive update! I'm literally redoing the entire website from scratch!!!! Well, I'm saving some things... but even the things that I'm saving are getting changed. You see, last autumn's code just was not up to my standards anymore. Can you believe that the majority of this website was all thrown together over the course of a week in October? Since then, I've learned a lot and I can do so much better now! Plus, it's only recently that I've truly discovered the power of CSSGrid.... And Goddess above, I love grid. I need it on every page!!!

The stylistic updates are much needed as well. I'm completely revamping the texture of the website, as well as improving the overall readability. What's most exciting for me though is how much I'm leaning into shorthand code— variables and the like. I've gotten very, very comfortable with them over this past year, so now it's time to push them to their absolute limit!! AHH!!! I'm getting fired up just thinking about it!!!!

All I have done for the past several days is sleep, code, and go back to sleep. And speaking of sleep— I'm back to waking up at 5AM! Thank goodness, because I was really starting to hate getting up in the middle of the day. This morning I looked out the window at the early dawn, at all the streetlamps sparkling in the distance, and I thought, "this is when the world is best." It's so quiet, so serene, and just the right amount of light. Don't get me wrong. I love a nice sunny day... but there's something about that before-sunrise-blue that I can't get enough of.

Ahh, what else, what else? I honestly don't want to write anymore because I'm so excited about my own code, lol. I want to get it done soon so I can share it with everyone!!! I'm not sure how long it will take me. I'm kind of chipping away at all the core pages, bouncing around between them when inspiration strikes. It also helps when I'm having a (design) problem that I don't know how to fix. The break gives my mind a rest, and later on while sitting quietly I'll have a sort of "eureka!" moment where it all comes together. Like, I think I came up with my new stickersheet design while in the shower, haha.

The way that I'm creating and structuring pages, I think, will make it much easier for me to put out new content, too. As much as I love writing CSS, I'll save myself a lot of time when I stop coding the same (basic) things over and over again. And that saved time will be spent writing cool, funny, interesting, uplifting things!!!!!!! Individual pages will retain their uniqueness, of course. That's half the fun of having a website.

2023.03.29

Today is a sunny day, thank Goddess! It's not windy, either. My morning walk left me feeling sort of chilly, but I'm sure it will be nicer when I go out again in the afternoon. The trees are budding— I even saw one blooming big, white flowers— and the grass is looking greener than ever. Please, spring, come soon!

Lots of "signs from the universe" to let go, embrace change: angel number 111, my most recent daily cards; and internally, there's a mounting disatisfaction with my bad habits. I'm feeling energetic but listless. It's the sort of itch that can only be scratched by trying something new.

It's weird to say this when I've been so painfully online for the better part of a decade, but I want to try living in the real world. Leave behind my old, intangile haunts and explore meatspace for a change. I know that it will do me a lot of good, and that I'm unlikely to have any catastrophically bad experiences, but I'm still scared. It's all new. The unknown is evolutionarily terrifying. I guess it helps to remind myself that this fear is normal, natural, and expected. It helps even more to remember that fear is just a feeling to be felt. It passes. That's all.

I'm sitting really weird today. I wish I could draw a diagram— I mean I guess there's nothing stopping me from doing that? Except the fact that I don't want to, lmao. But basically, I've pushed my chair away from my desk, and my ass is on the furthest edge of the seat so that I'm making a sort of 45deg angle with my back, and I've got both feet up on the corner my desk, with my left hand reaching for the keyboard from between my thighs, and the right hand on the outside with my elbow is on the armrest. I'm like a weird, crunched-up, goblin shape right now. This was only comfortable for the first five minutes. Let me readjust, maybe even sit properly.

... Okay, much better now! Circulation has returned to my lower half. Hm, what else can I write about...? Lately, I've noticed myself wondering "what should I look at while I eat?" and not having even one good answer. So now I just sit quietly and look out the window instead of at a screen. It's not like it makes me more mindful of the food or anything, and I'm definitely not "grounded in the moment" or obsessing over sensory details, but it does give me 10-15 minutes to relax and contemplate.

Other good things: I cleaned my keyboard! I took off a couple keycaps and everything. At first, using the keycap puller thingy was slightly daunting, but it's actually not scary at all. I'll keep the cleaning tools close at hand in case I decide to eat cherry tomatoes at my computer again sometime :+| I also saw some hyacinths, and cute lawn decorations, and I had some fulfilling conversations with people I love. And!!! The receptionist in my therapy office got me a little button/pin thing?! It's a purple lotus flower, so cute. I put it on the lapel of my coat. I'm never taking it off. She seems to really like me, haha, it's quite cute how well we get along.

2023.03.28

This morning I woke up to the sound of 2 or 3 crows having a conversation across the street. They made all sorts of cute little noises, going back and forth, at times talking over each other. I kept falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep again, so I don't know how long they were at it, but it sounded like they were having a good time. Just listening had me smiling to myself, half-asleep.

And during lunch, I saw two eagles gliding through the clouds. They were so high in the sky that I have no idea what they could be hunting from so far up. Maybe they were just enjoying the air. I'd like to go outside, too, just to enjoy the air, but I'm a little afraid.

Now would be the time to write an extended metaphor about the eagles soaring confidently through storm clouds, resillience building with each revolution through the cold, dense, water-thick air— resillience and joy, the joy of life and all its hardships— but I just don't have it in me to be poetic right now. Right now, I feel like crawling back into bed. ... Okay, it's not that bad. I'll find something to do and I'll enjoy my day, moving forward one step at a time. That's the only thing I can ever ask of myself. After all, we only have this present moment— me writing, and you reading— and it's up to us to use it best.

And speaking of that "me and you" thing, I miss when I used to write like nobody was reading. For a long time, I genuinely believed I was totally invisible on here, so, you know, I really was writing to nobody. It was just record-keeping for my future self. On top of that, I think I knew— though I'd never have admitted it outright— that even the one audience member I did acknowledge was not actually reading any of it. Sounds lonely, right? But I miss it.

Since leaving my old website, this "fourth-wall break" has kind of become— what's the right word? Integral?— to the theme of Vivarism. This project isn't just for me anymore. I'm not saying that I'm doing groundbreaking work or anything over here, just that, like... I distribute web graphics now. That alone necessitates some kind of audience acknowledgement, doesn't it?!

Hahaha... sigh.... Maybe I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. What's truly integral to Vivarism is that I can always, always try something new, start over, change course, grow, heal, change, whatever. So if I don't like something, it's up to me to fix that! Next time I'll write like nobody's reading. I think that'll be fun.

2023.03.24

Very chilly today, and damp and overcast. I love the murky blue of a sky heavy with unfallen rain. It'd be nice to have a proper thunderstorm sometime. I guess I can always play rain and thunder sounds through my computer, but it's just not the same, you know? I want the real thing!

Today is a very productive day for Vivarism. I spent the past two days cutting out the last of the stickers that I scanned back in October! Yipes! I'm very glad to be done with it now— and I've pretty much refined my process as well. Having dual monitors (one of which being my tablet) and a numpad is truly a game changer. Even the process of inserting images for display via HTML is pretty easy!!! I just put on some music or a little documentary and go to town~ Ah, I feel almost as if this was my calling!

So, yes, please visit the Toybox when you get the chance. I love the Yummy set SO MUCH, like I really think it is super duper adorable, maybe even cuter than the Cutie and Dotty sets. Now that I've got them all digitised, I want to use them all over this site!!! My only regret is that I used some of them IRL before I had the idea to scan and upload them.... That's why there are fewer blue stickers than the other colours! And that also goes to show you just how long I've had the stickers themselves, haha. They're older than this website! Now that I'm finished, maybe I ought to buy some more...? But let me finish my other projects first!!!

Okay, okay, other news.... I've changed my e-mail contact. There was an issue with the keromail domain where I was unable to reply to mail sent from a gmail address. I used to be able to do some convoluted stuff with forwarding, but now it's blocked outright!!! So... yep, here I am, making yet another Google account -__+- And before you get on me about opsec, I hate the Protonmail mobile app!! As much as I vibe with the @pm.me suffix, it's not worth the hassle. ... Ok, the more I think about it, the more attractive I find it. It's so cute and succinct! But it's not worth it... Be strong, Flonne... Convenience over aesthetics...

And back to stickers— I do want more. But I want some to put on my monitor! Like, the little bar underneath the screen is just the right size for a row of tiny ones. But I'm not in any hurry for that. My desk area is plenty cute already! Which! AH!!! I swear, every time I write an entry I'm reminded of all the different things I want to do... and I do want to take photos of my workspace. Well, as far as "doing vs talking about doing" goes, today was a huge success. Let's keep up this energy, all the way into April!

2023.03.23

I went outside today! I figured this cloudy but warm day would be nice for a walk, and it was— except for the drizzle that began 30 seconds into my excursion. Just my luck, right? Lucky that I love the rain, I mean.

I enjoyed looking at the trees, budding with new leaves, and the little tiny green plants shoving up through cold dirt. I took some photos, too, of both the greenery and the sky. For some reason I've always liked the way bare branches and powerlines silhouette themselves. I'm very, very tired of winter, but I'm glad I got to see something beautiful before it ended.

Initially, I set out to randonaut, but in the end I didn't get anywhere near my destination. There just aren't enough sidewalks around here. I'm not going to traipse on the side of a busy road in the mud and rain just for the "adventure" of going somewhere new and unexpected. To avoid all that, I ended up meandering on some backstreets— which also lacked sidewalks, but at least were mostly traffic-free— and that was the bulk of my walk. I officially gave up when I looked at my map and realised that my final destination was very likely to be inaccessible anyways. After that, I turned around and strolled home, because by then my feet were totally soaked with rain and my hands were getting cold. Needless to say, when I finally stepped through my door and straight into a hot shower, I felt very relieved!

What will I do with the rest of my day...? I'm not sure. I'm very much ~in my feelings~ lately— and I've noticed feeling lonely is usually what compels me to go outside in the first place, haha. Out walking in the rain, listening to melancholic music... how emo! But I don't actually want to waste any more time feeling sorry for myself. Happiness is the sort of thing you reach for and grasp with two hands. It's never, ever going to settle softly on your shoulder. I feel like I'm mixing my metaphors and stuff here, but whatever. The point is that I want to be proactively joyful instead of waiting around for something to change.

Hm. Maybe I'll find something to watch and make some stickers. The repetition should help, I think, and a media distraction will shift my focus elsewhere.

2023.03.21

Today is sunny and bright. I haven't been outside and I think it'll stay that way, but I did just peek outside my window to check on the greenery. Still no leaves on the trees.... I'll keep waiting patiently.

Today is a very laid-back morning. I'm onto my second mug of lemon-ginger tea. I love the mug I'm drinking from— it's a sweet honey-yellow colour, and the outside is covered in equidistant, circular bumps. When I first picked it up in the store, I couldn't stop running my hands over it. The texture is just exquisite. It's even better when it's warm!>

There are chores to do, but for now I'm just goofing off. I spent the morning gathering new music— which reminds me!! I would very much like to finish making my music diary... I'm like 66% done, so I could probably just whip it up this afternoon.

Until then... I've been listening to video game and anime soundtracks lately. Though I've never seen the film Words Bubble Up Like Soda Pop, I downloaded the OST since people on MAL said the music was the best part. And I gotta say, the songs were really good! I quite enjoyed the casual, summery feeling.... Very easy to listen to. I also nabbed the Nichijou OST, which really surprised me. I wasn't expecting so much classical music, haha. Just goes to show you how long it's been since I watched the series.

I'd like to share my best links for finding/procuring music online, as well. Which, of course, brings me back to the dilemma of my explore page.... SIGH. I don't want to do that one, haha. I have really grandiose plans that will surely take a long time, so I want to do easier things first...!!!

And... the easiest thing to do is watch YouTube and fold my laundry. So let's do that!

2023.03.18

Lately, the sky is all white with the sun occasionally peeking through. And it's cold, but not too cold? Things are warming up for sure— I can see the trees preparing their leaf buds— but we still have quite a ways to go. It's so funny that only now, when the season is ending, that I'm thinking of crocheting a scarf. I guess I could wear it into the springtime, though!

So... 23 is looking great so far. I had a very, very happy birthday yesterday. We went on a roadtrip to have the best apple pie in the state and, let me tell you, they were not exaggerating. The crumble on top is soooo delectable.... After making a wish and blowing out my candles, I had two slices. I think I'll have some more today, as well. For some reason it tastes like an oatmeal cookie to me...? Then again, my sense of taste is greatly reduced, so all sweet things taste the same to me. I guess it tastes like the "memory" of a warm oatmeal cookie more than anything. Still, I can say without a sliver of doubt that it is a delicious pie!

... Okay, so I got up mid-entry to get another slice. I don't actually have words to describe how good this pie tastes, so I won't even try. Just imagine I'm chewing while smiling and nodding my head through the next several paragraphs.

...

Uh, so. Instead of finishing this entry, I just ate my pie and then started coding a completely different page, lol.

...

EVEN MORE TIME HAS PASSED. THE DATE EVEN ROLLED OVER!!! It's the morning of the 19th and I am only now finishing this entry, ahahaha. But I'll still write about yesterday, because today hasn't really begun yet.

I stayed up until 4 or 5 a.m. drawing. It was sooo much fun, ugh, I love doodling!!! I think I'm getting back into the "process over product" mindset, too. The physical act of drawing is rewarding in itself— but, I won't lie... it really helps when I like what I've made! And the art I made yesterday is stuff I very much enjoy.

I want to digitise some more stickers, soon. It'll be nice to finally get some new stuff in the Toybox! Of course, that's just one more thing on the ever-growing to-do list.... Am I piling too much on my plate right now? I totally forgot that I wanted to make a digital commonplace notebook, as well. Urgh, it's time to stop talking about doing stuff, and just do it!!!

2023.03.14

The rain turned into snow! I guess it's still pretty warm out since it's not sticking to anything at all. Hopefully it stop before nightfall. After dark, the grass would definitely be more hospitable.

I am officially no longer afraid of the basement. I've been up and down through there a couple times today with minimal issue. This will make everybody's lives easier!!! Overall today was a nice, productive day. I did sooo much laundry and cooking and cleaning, and I organised my room a bit more, too. Plus a little doodling here... A little writing there... A little singing and dancing... This is normal, everyday life, huh? It's not so bad. I would say, without hesitation, that I've no complaints.

... Actually, my only complaint is the mysterious clicking noise that occasionally comes from my PC. It's not a fan, there's no obstructions anywhere, and it seems to randomly come and go. It's not super annoying, and it's basically inaudible when I play music. So I guess it's not really anything to complain about, but to be confounded by!!! But... well, anyways, I think my set-up is pretty much complete. I want to hang up something on the wall behind my Cintiq, but I don't know what to put yet. I'd rather not put everything off until I come up with something, so I'll just go ahead without it. On a sunnier day, I'll start taking pictures!

Wah... I can't remember the last time I felt as if there were so many, many things to do, but not enough time to do them. I'm more used to feeling bored and listless. This is a really nice change of pace. I only hope that I'll start actually doing the things on my to-do list!!!!

2023.03.13

Cloudy, overcast, cold, windy. It's a perfect end-of-winter-almost-spring day. The other day I saw daffodils and crocuses blooming in a neighbour's yard. Hopefully they weren't washed away by the weekend's freezing rain. Little flowers like that are so cute and colourful, I want to see them all the time.

Several really nice things happened yesterday. First of all, I drew a birthday present for someone I love and it is so cute, I can't stop staring at it lol. It makes me want to draw more... And it makes me want to share more of my art in general!!! I already have so many pages in the works, but a little gallery should be easy enough to whip up, right?

Yesterday's other good news is that my therapy is 95% covered by my insurance. Not trying to brag about how messed I am in the head, but I am most definitely messed, and that requires specialised care. It was an indescribable relief to know that I'll be able to keep going for as long as I need. So, haha, hopefully no more psychotic journal entries, yeah? Well, no, not hopefully. I'll make a vow right now to be mentally sane online. Or, uh, comparatively more sane, at least. This is definitely a work in progress, ok?

And progress is being made! I'm writing again... drawing again... talking to people again... cooking, cleaning, stretching... And I've been having a blast decorating my room, too. The last practical thing to do is put some hooks in the wall to hang up my bags. Everything else will just be set-dressing— and that's tons of fun, too! I want to print out lots of cute photos and put them where I'll see them regularly. I already have a few in key locations, and I smile every single time. I can't recommend it enough. This is the first time I've really strived to make my room a happy, safe, calming place to be, and I couldn't be more pleased with the results.

So, just to keep track...? These are the pages I want to make: an art gallery, a music diary, a love letter to my PC, a special ~secret~ shrine, and there's always tons of work to be done in the Undertale section. Oh, and I want to completely redo my Explore page, and I have a couple essays I'd like to write, and, and, and... It's a neverending list, huh? I wonder if there is enough time in the day to do it all. I'll just keep moving forward one step at a time.

2023.03.09

This morning I woke up to birdsong. I'm very excited for more birds and flowers to appear! It's still really, really cold, and really, really windy, but the sun is out. I think the plants must enjoy that.

I had a fun day today, chatting with friends, making a new webpage... I also doodled a little bit— nothing I like or am proud of, not in the slightest, but it was good to touch pen to paper.Plus, I think it's more important to enjoy the process than the end result, and I really did have fun!!!

Something I am proud of is the fact that I installed two new fans in my PC case today! One intake, one exhaust. I was briefly worried I'd bought the wrong kind, but I was able to figure it out. Now they're spinning along happily, just as intended.

Wah... I really like my computer!!!!! Just having a desk to sit at is great, but this is the most competent machine I've ever owned. I truly have no complaints whatsoever.

I'm looking forward to showing it off. I even made a spreadsheet of how much everything cost, lol. Maybe I should include references to the individual pieces, too? In case anybody is wondering about the specs... Yeah, that sounds good.

So, I'm still waiting on my Cinnamoroll USB hub, but I think that'll be the last piece I need!!! And goodness, it can't come any sooner, I'm kinda really needing some easily accessible USB ports rn. But once everything is set-up, I'll dedicate a whole page to it!!! A love letter to my computer... haha...

2023.03.07

This is Vivarism dot org, coming to you live from her first ever desktop PC!!!! The sun is shining! The geese are flocking! I'm still super cold, though, so I've got on two pairs of pants, plus my space heater working in tandem with my humidifier lol. It's still winter for sure... but not for long!

I am so overjoyed to have a working computer again. My previous estimate on the complete set-up was, what, a week? Turns out that I figured everything out just one day after I made that projection. I oughta give myself some more credit!

Well, at least my digital set-up is complete. I'm still waiting on some physical items for my desk... Namely my monitor table (it's usable, but still too low!!!) and USB hub. I'm especially excited for that last one because it's shaped like cinnamoroll. He's not my favourite Sanrio (I prefer Pompompurin and Keroppi) but he matched my room's blue/white colour scheme. And speaking of colours, boy, is my room just like 12 different blues! I don't mind the mismatch at all. It's kinda charming, even...

I'll take pictures soon. I want to get everything assembled, organised, and in place before I show it off. I want to put more stuff on my walls, too!!! Things that make me happy to look at... I'll figure it out, step by step.

I'm strangely excited to organise my desk cables... I think it'll be tons of fun. I'm having a blast already, so I can't imagine how fulfilled I'll feel when my build is truly 100% complete.

2023.03.05

It's almost warm today. The sunshine feels like a promise of spring. I keep remarking that soon everything will be green again. I'm excited to wear my warm-weather wardrobe!

Big news: my assembled PC is here!!! It arrived three days ago, and since then I've been fiddling with it almost non-stop. By fiddling I mean breaking things, reinstalling the operating system, breaking things some more, reinstalling the OS again, and on and on... I'm consoled by the fact that every time I've broken something, it's been in a completely novel way. I haven't made the same mistake twice!

It fits well for my card of the day: the Ten of Swords. That card is all about letting go of the old and embracing the new. I think about this card each time I plug in my boot media and start from scratch all over again. I'm getting used to it, now. Before, I felt really frustrated, but bit by bit, I'm getting accustomed to this process. At least the damage is not so severe, and I'm not losing anything unrecoverable. The only thing I'm losing is time, and that I've got plenty of.

Hmm, what else...? Arriving in the mail today are a few more things for my set-up. Ergonomics, etc. I'm excited to have everything done, though at this rate, it may take the rest of the week to get it all perfectly configured. Oh, well. Even difficult things can be exciting.

My computer is the most exciting thing in my life right now, but I'm paying attention to my body, too. Those seeds that I planted back in November or December— something about existing in the present moment, being in my body, not dissociating— are now beginning to sprout. I'm noticing more often when I'm thirsty or sore, and I make a point of regularly grounding myself in the real world. Something else I've noticed is that, lately, my mouth hangs open a lot?! It's very startling every time lol, I almost rush to close it... Maybe my bite is getting worse. Might need to get some orthodontic help again -_- which will be a pain but I'm much better equipped to take care of my teeth now than when I was 13.

Anyways, I feel more relaxed now. I quickly notice and release my own tension. I drop my center of gravity into my pelvis and feel my insides as fluid. I'm also trying to breathe more deeply. I think a half-decade of being horizontal has severely weaked my diaphragm, so I have to be very intentional about it when sitting upright. But it all pays off. Things are on the up. No complaints here~

2023.02.28

IT SNOWED!!! I was chilly all night, and then I woke up at dawn to see the world blanketed in white. Someone was walking around outside in the afternoon and their footsteps sounded exactly like crunching potato chips. I love snow. Thank God I don't have to shovel it.

I'm writing here even though it's only technically March (i.e. just past midnight on the 28th of February) because I'm so in love with this page. I based it on the "hello world" tumblr theme by negg, pictured below. Click on the creator's name to see it in action!

Do you see the resemblence? Hehe. I had a ton of fun coding this one! I think I'll keep the layout for a while and just change up the colours each month.

This theme was published the day after my 17th birthday. I'm almost 23 now... Crazy, isn't it? The passage of time...! I was reminiscing about Tumblr with a friend and decided to lean into the nostalgia. For reasons I can't recall, I was never able to make this theme look great on my blog, but now that I've created my own version (from scratch), it's like a forgotten dream has come true!!!

My only regret is that I wasn't able to draw my own icon since I can't use my tablet until my PC is ready. And as an update on that: I gave up! I'm paying some local guy to put it together for me, lol. He's nice enough, had a firm handshake, sucks at e-mailing, but it's all okay as long as I have a working computer before my birthday. I bet it'll be done by the end of the week! (Way too optimistic)

Yaaaawn. Okay, hm, what else is new? Recently I learned about pandiculation from a presentation by Mary Bond. I'm having a fantastic time pretending to be a little cat at random intervals throughout my day. The entire speech is very informative and fascinating, and I'd recommend it to anybody who has an hour of free time. It's definitely faster than reading her book, which has been on my to-do list for half a year now.

I took a nap at a weird time in the afternoon/evening... Guess I'll be awake for a while. I miss my music diary, so I think I'll get started on making one of those! Over and out.