Sasuke Uchiha
Naruto aired on Cartoon Network from 2005 to 2009, and reran for several years more. Though it was not my first anime— that award goes to Ojamajo Doremi!— it was my first fandom. I'd spend hours watching parody videos and AMVs, reading fanfiction, playing "ninja" with anyone willing....
As I got older, my love for Sasuke in particular continued to grow. His most attractive quality is the contrast between his superb skill (and resulting popularity), and the fact that he intentionally isolates himself. Looking back, I see that I related to his loneliness. I wanted to be the one to understand him and keep him company, while earning his protection and relying on his competence.
On top of that, I was (and am) a huge SNS shipper. Their dynamic still informs my taste in pairings. Rivals to friends to lovers to enemies to lovers again.... With a blueprint like that, I'm sort of doomed. What a doozy of a first crush, huh? I started off strong with anime's biggest edgelord so— trust me— it only goes downhill from here.
Charm Points
Roy Mustang
When Fullemetal Alchemist first hit the States, I was too young to watch it, but that didn't stop my dad from trying to show me the '03 anime anyways. I shyly asked to turn it off after the gory human transmutation scene.... By middle school, I had grown more accustomed to violence, so I spent the summer between fifth and sixth grade watching Brotherhood— and fervently shipping RoyEd.
As an adult, it's very funny to look back on the pairings I enjoyed as a child. I remember a friend of mine— this was another twelve year-old, mind you— asking with genuine shock and disgust how they can be together when Edward is fifteen and Mustang is twice his age. My answer then was something like, "who cares!" It's much the same now— I love problematic yaoi!!!— but, like, holy shit, was I ok? (The answer is no.)
Anyways, I still love Roy. I think he is super cool and sexy and I would like to go on a date with him!!! We could have dinner, see a picture show, maybe go for a drive.... He would not be interested in anything serious with me— he's focused on his career and I'm just not his type. That's okay, though. I'm content to be his sidepiece until he marries Hawkeye or gets court-martialed for diddling Edward.
Charm Points
Light Yagami
The same summer that I watched FMA:B, I also blew through Death Note. I slept on the floor in the front of the TV so I could keep watching right up to the point that I fell unconscious, only to wake up, wipe the crust off my eyes, and start all over again. I've since seen the first half of the anime more times than I can count, and the second half... never! I get bored without L there, ok— can you blame me? I've heard the manga is better, anyway. That's usually the case.
To this day, I still can't tell if I want to kiss Light or if I want to be him. Most of all, I admire his manipulative prowess: the way he schemes himself in and out of situations, the Normal Boy facade he so effortlessly maintains. I like that he's a certified genius, disillusioned and egotistic, and that his only weak spot is his family. Plus, I recognise my own train of thought in his idealistic worldview. Can't help being a Pisces!
But I've tried to be a supervillain IRL and I'm happy to report that I miserably failed. Turns out, I'm too nice to be properly evil! So, when it comes to kissing him or being like him... either way, those dreams will remain unfulfilled.
What really matters, though, is that when I was twelve, I covered an old composition book with black Sharpie and made my own Death Note. It was summarily confiscated by a well-intentioned auntie.
Charm Points
Hans Arlens
On a certain trip to GameSt*p, I stumbled upon a new copy of Atelier Annie: Alchemists of Sera Island for the Nintendo DS. Not only was I bewitched by the anime-style artwork on the box, but my FMA obsession had predisposed me to an interest in alchemy as a whole. I asked my mom to buy it for me, then spent the next month playing it obsessively. I gotta say, it was a great game!!!
... Maybe I ought to replay it before writing this little blurb. To be honest, it's been so long that I don't remember much about Hans, just that I loved his dynamic with Annie and really wanted them to kiss.
I think what I loved most about him is that he's smart and responsible, and thusly praised by adults, but uptight and socially clueless, and therefore unpopular with girls. On top of that, his effeminate appearance constrasts nicely with Annie's tomboyishness— a style of dress I also held when I first played.
Basically, he's a little bit awkward, which puts him squarely in my league, and, as always, I admire his dependability and intelligence! I feel like I could really count on him...│ Ah, Hans...!
Charm Points
Dirk Strider
I'm tempted to skip over my Homestuck years, but... (1) it accounts for such a big chunk of my youthful interest (three years!); (2) I'm permanently afflicted by its creative influence; and, (3) all this time later, I'm still bumping "Descend," so.... At this rate, I don't know that I'll ever escape. I figure I can spare a word or two for Mr. timaeusTestified here. Problem is... I can't actually remember what I liked about him? Probably just that he's kinda "cool," or something. I guess.
More interestingly: I used to read HS on the school computers during English class. My teacher didn't mind, and from a distance nobody could tell that the comic was decidedly not age appropriate. It became a regular occurence, something I looked forward to every day! Then, one afternoon, classes were cancelled. The entire school was ushered into the auditorium to watch the Spelling Bee— including me, the poor, misfortunate girl who had been waiting all morning for her chance to read Homestuck. I sat up in the wings furiously scribbling in my notebook about how I hated everyone, hated this stupid assembly, and wished everyone in the school would DIE!!!!!!!
One of my classmates read over my shoulder and reported me to the guidance counselor.
Charm Points
Homura Akemi
I watched Madoka Magica in the aftermaths of a hurricane. Fitting, because this anime was a natural disaster upon my soul, and a decade later I'm still sorting through the wreckage. My feelings for Homura, like Light, blur the line between aspiration and infatuation. In her enduring devotion, her boundless love, and the suffering it brings, I see myself. I could easily give her every last bit of love she's been working so hard for. At the same time, I wish that someone else would finally feel that way about me for a change. In a fantasy world, maybe that someone is Homura. She certainly has it in her.
Honestly, though? I can't see myself messing up PMMM canon with a self-insert OC, and— not for lack of trying— I can't self-insert as Madoka either. She's too humble for me, LOL. The point is, MadoHomu belong together and I am not about to break them up! Where Homura is concerened, I can say without a shred of doubt that I admire her, empathise with her, and believe wholeheartedly in her mission.
#HomuraDidNothingWrong #GaslightGatekeepGirlboss
Charm Points
Sans the Skeleton
I'm putting Sans here because, chronologically, this is when we met, though it would take many, many more years for our relationship to become what it is today.... I have plans to write a whole essay about our history, but that's a task for Future Flonne. For now, be content with the Undertale content I have already shared!
☆ My Undertale Shrine ☆
Charm Points
Stanford Pines
I caught the Gravity Falls hype towards the end of its runtime, then watched it all again a couple years later. I have fond memories of cracking the first season's ciphers while looping "L's Theme" from Death Note, and even fonder memories of looping Vera Lynn's hits while daydreaming about BillFord.
I'm not sure I have a crush on Ford so much as I adore his dynamic with Bill and, well, you can guess which of the two I chose to project on. I suppose the main problem is that, while Gravity Falls is a visually appealing cartoon, the characters are all, uh... supremely unattractive. Ford included. Plus he's OLD!!!!
I think the more accurate admission is that I really, really liked the fanfiction Knowing Me, Knowing You. I maybe even liked it a little too much.
Charm Points
Steven Stone
Though Sapphire was technically my first Pokémon game, I was too little to actually understand it. I spent the bulk of my playtime catching Skitties while collected the gym badges. Over the years, I've tried playing the RSE titles on an emulator, but it never captured my interest. It was only when I nabbed the reboot, Pokémon: Omega Sapphire, that my love for Mr. Stone was able to blossom.
And just... wow. What is not to love about this guy! I want him to go on autistic rants about stones while he brushes my hair. I love Steel-type Pokémon, too, and according to Dragonfly Cave, I even resemble them. Maybe he would notice the resemblence and henceforth set out to capture my heart.
Charm Points
Kasumi
Story of Seasons: Trio of Towns is my most favourite 3DS game and quite possibly the best installation in the ぼくもの series. Kasumi arrives on Summer 15, Year 1. Her best friend Komari brings her to your farm, and the three of you talk about how nice it is to have more young women in town. Up to that point, I'd been thoroughly enjoying the game— growing crops, raising livestock, half-heartedly flirting with the bachelors of Westtown— but the moment I saw Kasumi, everything changed. "Who is this gorgeous, refined, well-spoken woman who is so happy to meet me?!"
I had to have her. I started a new file to play as a boy (and crossdress as a girl, of course) so I could marry her. Imagine my surprise when, this time, our introduction went totally left because— get this— Kasumi is a bonafide man-hater!!!!!!!
She ignores and distrusts men wholesale, even refuses to speak to them unless it's absolutely necessary. As a teacher, she has no choice but to relax a bit around male children, but once they reach a certain age, she just gives up. On the flip side, Kasumi loves women. She consiers it her duty to protect and uplift them, to show them friendship, and encourage them to reach their dreams (in her own stern way).
The more I learned about her, the more I thought, "oh, wow, they really put a lesbian in this game, didn't they." This is totally unheard of in Harvest Moon, a series that has only recently introduced same-sex marriage. And Kasumi isn't even in one of those titles! You can only marry her as a man, and her entire romantic arc is about "making an exception" to her man-hating rule. How disappointing!
Of course, that didn't stop me from courting, dating, and tying the knot with Kasumi. I just kind of ignored the fact that she thought I was a guy and made up my own story about our blossoming love. Once upon a time, I even drafted a fanfiction about it, but it's since been lost to time. (Never delete your old writing, kids. You'll be sad when it's gone!)
Charm Points
Jakurai Jinguji
I looked away for two seconds, and in that time Hypnosis Microphone has grown in scale far beyond my wildest imagination. Drama CDs, manga, mobile games, live shows, magazine interviews, an entire anime... Suffice to say, I have no idea what's going on anymore. But! I will always have the hots for Jinguji-sensei.
Like Light, I appreciate how he pretends to be a normal person, though his benevolent aspirations are much less violent. That's right— Jakurai's days of mass murder are over. He is a reformed killer for realsies! He retains the God complex, though, and the associated Biblical imagery gets me real fired up. I'd let him preach at me for hours if only I could play with his hair.
I like how tall he is, too: 195cm!!!! With both of us standing upright, I'd be at eye level with his ribcage. I'd have to tilt my head all the way back to make eye contact or— even better— he'd have to bend or kneel down to address me. So cute!!! So condescending!!!!!! I love it!!!
Charm Points
Sho Minamimoto
IDK what to write here yet, just that I want to write it in his stupid zetta way. What a weirdo. He can give me trigonometry problems to assess my worthiness, then hit me when I'm too slow at factoring the binomials.
Charm Points
Fling Posse
I used to kin Ramuda hardcore, and nowadays I often joke that he's like a worse version of me, one who lacks tact and performs femininity. I don't relate to him nearly as much as I used to, but he is still one of my all-time favourite characters. He perfectly exemplifies the "double-sided" archetype that I so adore.
And I still have the hots for his teammates!!!! They're so... UGH!!!! I just want Gendice to two-time me. It's not complicated, okay?
Charm Points
Midori
キミガシネ, lovingly translated by VGPerson as Your Turn to Die, is oft said to be "just like Danganronpa but better." Having played it before DR, in terms of quality I'd say they're about equal... but only YTTD has Midori in it!!!! Ugh, I love this stupid little psychopath. I want him to do bad things to Sou. Or to me, if Sou is not around. I'm a willing volunteer, Midori!!! ...or would he prefer if I didn't like it?
Maybe he'd be intrigued by the fact that I'm literally asking to be manipulated and mind-fucked. Don't see that every day. The two of us could be a couple of certified freaks together. I'd do anything to help further his plans (whatever those may be) and generally be his useful, obsessive, possessive, yandere gf. #RelationshipGoals
Charm Points
Izuru Kamukura
I was decidedly late to the world-wide phenomenon known as Danganronpa. It was all over my Tubmlr dashboard in 2014— all over everyone's really— but I didn't actually sit down to play it for another 5 years. I was projecting onto Komaeda before I even started, so when I finally met his idol Izuru, I was immediately smitten!
I love Izuru because he is perfect. Literally, he's the best at everything. For that reason, I can't imagine him ever giving me the time of day, but just existing in the presence of such perfection would be more than enough for me. I'd try to make myself useful to him somehow, taking care of the things he couldn't be bothered with. Just because he could accomplish anything doesn't mean he has the time to do it all. Don't forget, he is the Super High School Level Task Delegator, too.
That's about where the fantasy ends, since I haven't given more than a cursory thought to making an actual DR OC. I used to joke that my self-insert would be the SHSL Crybaby, a girl who cries so much that her tears can be used as an alternative source of fuel. Quite a funny concept, and definitely outlandish enough for DR. Maybe one day I will make it reality!
Charm Points
Charm Points
Makima
I have to start by saying that I read Chainsaw Man before it was cool. No idea how I stumbled upon it, seeing as, at the time, its English-speaking fandom was comprised of some dust bunnies and a couple guys on /a/— and I don't even go there! But I did find it, and I binge read what was available, and I knew from the very first moment I saw her that Makima was the single most attractive woman written in any manga. Ever.
You may have noticed that the majority of my fictional crushes are male, which to some will seem incongruous with my real-life lesbianism. To that I say: (1) anime is not real life, (2) anime boys have basically nothing in common with real men, and (3) characters like Makima are rare. It's not my fault there are so few evil & masculine women in media. At least when I make my own OCs, I'm being the change I want to see.
Anyways: yes, I want to be Makima's dog. No, that's not normal or healthy, but that's not what's stopping me. The issues is that, like Madoka, the self-insertion wouldn't work because she is exclusively obsessed with Denji, and I'm too old to project onto a rowdy and vulgar yet altogether boring shounen protagonist. (Whatever Denji has going on, Naruto did better...) So, once again, I'm forced to admire the woman of my dreams from afar... sigh!
Charm Points
Lord Nidhogg
Nidhogg is from Love Nikki: Dress Up Queen, a mobile title that I consider to be the pinnacle of "little girl games." You know, the sort of game you played with your dolls that was cute and straight-forward, yet simultaneously dark, dramatic, and complex. People are getting murdered, but they're also getting dressed up for prom. Love Nikki is just like that, but you're 21 years-old now, and instead of crawling on hands and knees looking for Polly Pocket clothes, you can just open up your phone. It helps that Nidhogg is there (and that he's smoking hot).
When I was an active player of Love Nikki, I joined a community of other adult players and was quickly reprimanded for my problematic crush. Apparently it made people "uncomfortable." I get that he's a bad guy, that he very suddenly kills a beloved major character, and that military garb will immediately inspire thoughts of Nazism in less creative people. You're definitely not supposed to like him, but why is it such a big deal if I do? He's pixels on a screen, you guys...! Pixels in a dress-up game!!!!
Charm Points
Solf J. Kimblee
As you can see, my taste in 鋼錬 boys has depreciated with age: I've swapped the reluctant war criminal for the gleeful terrorist. Look, I don't have any excuses— I just like this guy, ok? I like his cockroach hair and scary tongue and creepy hand tattoos. I like that he's petty and mean, but is always polite to the ones he respects. Not sure if I want to be included on that very short list, or if I'd prefer to be eviscerated by him.
Charm Points
Gilgamesh
TYPE-MOON games are way too moidy for my tastes, but I played the first two routes of Fate/Stay Night when asked me to. He also spoiled most of the story, so instead of enjoying the Archer/Emiya twist reveal, the best part of the experience was Gilgamesh. Ah, Gilgamesh....!!!!!
He is another character who I'm attracted to mostly because of a pre-existing ship dynamic. I just adore the fucked up way he is obsessed with Saber, so determined to defeat and possess her. I hesitate to call him "yandere" because his "love" is so unconventional, but there's no better word for what he is.
Apellations notwithstanding, I'd like for him to get obsessed with me in the same way. I can't think of a single reason why that would happen but, you know. A girl can dream.
Also: I only like him with his hair slicked back!!! Something about the generic anime bangs just doesn't appeal to me...
Charm Points
Vyn Richter
Mihoyo's most famous publication is Genshin Impact, but they have a joseimuke romance/mystery title called Tears of Themis, too. I played it in Spring 2022 and fell head over heels for Vyn. Each of the love interests have their charm points, but I'm realising more and more that I have a type... and Vyn ticks every box.
He's smart, thoughtful, charming, rich, popular, romantic, traumatised (but disguising it well), and juuust evil enough to hold my attention. He wears glasses, dresses almost exclusively in 3-piece suits, and at 176cm he's just the right height for someone as small as me. He's sneaky but well-intentioned; suffering from loneliness and disillusionment but doing his best to cope; afraid to love but desperate to love, and willing to do almost anything for it. He plays the piano, and reads poetry, and bakes, and gardens, and he's a doctor and a professor and a spy! He's got it all!!!!
It's actually frustrating how perfect he is for me. He was this close to being my number one, and what a shame, because (compared to Sans) he would have made for a much less complicated, much more respectable LOML. I really did try— for a few months I was positively obsessed! In my mind, we were going to be together forever! I made up a whole canon and everything.... But in the end it all went to waste.
The problem, unfortunately, is insurmountable: it's his source material. He's from a gacha game. For the few months that I played Tears of Themis, I gambled away an uncomfortable amount of money, only to see the quality of the translation and gameplay severely decrease. Perhaps if I was less impulsive, I could have enjoyed TOT more. As it stands, I had to give up on the game and, as a result, my devotion to Vyn faded away.
I still love him, and the gif I chose to decorate this page most definitely makes my heart beat fast.... Maybe one day I'll find a way to enjoy him more responsibly. Only time will tell.
Charm Points
Yuuichi Katagiri
When it was airing, I watched Tomodachi Game every week with . We agreed that the story's best quality was its absurdity: a death game with no killing?! Never seen that before! Aside from the novel concept, the story didn't really grip me, so I eventually dropped it, but I gotta say— I loved Yuuichi.
He's exactly my type!!! A real Light Yagami junior!!!! Of course, he's motivated by personal vengeance rather than justice, but they are both weirdo geniuses who put up a normal boy front to distract the world from their unrepentant scheming. Ugh, I just adore it.
Maybe one day I'll finish the series? I would like to know how his story ends, and to see more of him and his boyfriend partner in crime, Tenji. I'm rarely in the mood to watch anime, though, so it will probably be a while.
Charm Points
Keito Hasumi
My love for Ensemble Stars correlates directly to how much I enjoy the rhythm game. I have made several attempts to invest myself in the story and characters, and each time I fail. It's just too long and complicated!!! As it stands, I only care about Eichi— but I don't want to kiss him, I want to be him; that I know for sure! Except... heehee... ever since I pulled Keito's Live2D SSR... I've started to care about him, too!
He has such a nice voice, and he's well-dressed, and he's so normal despite being surrounded by the most mentally ill people in Japan. I really admire him for that, plus the fact that he's responsible, and diligent, and multi-talented, and.... Look, I just really like this guy! So when I'm in the mood for a light, uncomplicated daydream, I imagine that Keito Hasumi is my normal boyfriend with whom I have a happy, healthy relationship.
Note that he is an outlier on this list of absolute freaks. Yeah. It's a rare mood.
Charm Points
Pantalone
Consider: (1) In a game with over 200,000 of lines of dialogue, Pantalone is referenced in exactly three. (2) He has about 12 seconds of screentime— not in-game, either, but in a trailer. (3) I may have it installed, but I don't even play Genshin Impact!!! There's no reason for me to be so in love with this guy. And yet... he has impacted my heart... 😔 I've been genshin'd.....
It's kinda crazy: I like him so much that I developed an entire OC to ship with him— like, with a backstory and everything. She even has a Pinterest board! That's how you know it's serious!!! One day I want to write up a whole page about her (me) and Pantalone. That'll be fun, for sure.
Charm Points
Gnosis
A husbando from yet another game I haven't played: Arknights. Even without firsthand experience, I can safely say that the game is amazing. So much effort went into crafting the world: the designs are amazing, the characters complex, the settings rich with intrigue... And my favourite of all is Gnosis!
I've noted "obsessiveness" as a charm point of his, but I want to make it clear that Gnosis is not by any means yandere— and I don't think he even could be. No, Gnosis is obsessed with his work. He's a scientist with unconventional ideas about disease (i.e. the Arknights equivalent of AIDS), and he cares about scarce little else.
You may be wondering: how am I supposed to get his undivided attention? The solution, of course, is to be his experiment. I'll get more into that later on because first I want to better develop my self-insert OC. It might help if I actually played the game.
Charm Points
Thoma
Several months after writing about Pantalone, I decided to give Genshin a real chance. To my surprise, I really, really enjoyed it. For about a week, I was totally addicted! Since it occupied so much of my brainspace, I was actively looking for a playable character to crush on, and Thoma ended up being my perfect fit~│
He's so cute! I love how he's always looking out for others, and how he's responsible but also knows how to have fun. He's equal parts smart and goofy, and his friendly exterior hides the unmatched tenacity of a man who will do whatever it takes to achieve his goals.
I like to think of him as my tard wrangler. He makes sure I'm fed and watered, and he'll bathe me like a dog. Also he and Ayato can two-time me, IDC. They're both hot.
Charm Points
And there you have it! A public declaration of my terrible taste, from birth to date. I've also made a tierlist ranking my husbandos based on favouritism and personal significance!
