May 2023

2023.05.30

I keep doing this thing where I have a really good day and I think, "yay, I'm cured! From now on I'll be running full speed ahead, and I'll have a great time, and I'll get everything done!" And the very next day when I'm stuck in bed it's like, did you forget, Flonne? You suffer from clinical depression and PTSD. Your days of running full speed ahead are in the far, far future. It's nice to celebrate my good days, and I love feeling optimistic about having more; I just want to be more realistic. It's annoying when I have to learn the same lesson over and over again.

Anyways... May is coming to a close. It was a good month, I think. I learnt a lot, rested a lot, got some things done. I talked to a lot of different people, and I even had a day where that was totally energising for me! How unexpected and wonderful that was. I hope I can experience that again, sometime.It's kind of weird because, for a long time, I would describe myself as a fundamentally asocial person. Nowadays, though, I'm craving human contact more than ever! I want to live in the real world, and talk to real people, and go to different places and see different things.... I have yet to build up the social skills to make this possible. I'm still struggling to talk to the people on my computer, for Goddess' sake.

Maybe there's something specific that I'm looking for, trying desperately to get, and not even realising what it is. I don't believe too much in "unconscious desires" so much as I believe in inarticulated ones. What sorts of questions would I need to ask myself to get to the bottom of this...? Those are the kinds of inquiries I'll save for my private diary.

Hahh... here I go again, worrying about saying something "interesting," something that whoever is reading would want to hear. I would like to stop worrying about that and just write whatever I want. I'm learning again and again that I perform best when I tap into what I want and what feels right to me— a practice I wholeheartedly believe is true for all people. That's values-based living, right? And I value... I don't know right now. I basically just rolled out of bed, I haven't eaten yet, my mind is scattered and Maslow's Pyramid is crumbling underneath me.

Ugh, I feel like crying. I might get back in bed to do exactly that. Why is everything so hard? It's not fair. I'll keep trying and trying and trying until things become easy.

2023.05.22

Last night I heard all sorts of wonderful nature sounds as I went to sleep. Birds, and crickets, and other chittering insects. I'm excited to hear more. Today the weather was really nice, too. I went out with just a light jacket and I was half-way overheating by the time I got home! Everything is green, the flowers are in bloom, summer weather is on its way...! I couldn't be more glad.

Today is Monday and I know this is going to be a fantastic week. I feel like I'm almost totally recovered from all the excitement at the beginning of the month, so now I can move forward with renewed energy. I'm making a point of doing the things that really matter. Every morning when I first wake up, before I even get out of bed, I ask myself, "what's important to me that I do today?" I think of two or three things, at least, and I go over the list in my head as I get myself up. I write it down, and in writing it I usually think of two or three more things that I want to do. Then I "Maslow" (i.e. eat, drink, bathe, go outside, etc.) before actually attempting any of the tasks on that list.

It's only been a couple days, but so far the process works really well. Today, I crossed off a BUNCH of things on my list— tasks both new and old— and I'm so proud of myself. It's been a busy day, but it's good-busy. Energising-busy. Like, I've done so much already, but I still want to do more!

Hmmm... what else can I write about? In the coming days, I'll be doing more with Vivarism. Today I'm updating my Toybox, sharing new art, and writing diary entries, and there's so much more to come. I've been working on-and-off on a Self-Help page for about a month now, and I finally feel ready to write it. It's just a matter of sitting down, undistracted, and letting loose on the page. It feels vital that I share the resources and key ideas that are saving my life. "Saving" present tense because I am infinitely, non-linearly, lovingly in-progress. I'm glad that I'll always have these records of that progress to review in the future. It's always fun to reread my old entries.

I want to go relax soon (Maslow is telling me I ought to recline) so I'll finish up here. Time to write my Undertale entry, ehehe. Even when I'm tired, writing about Sans pumps me right back up!

2023.05.18

Sheesh, I'm tired. I've been home for a couple days now, but I still had stuff to do, so it felt like I wasn't getting much rest. The first few days were really warm and nice, but now we're getting back to that blustery spring weather that I used to think was fantastic, but now I think is cold! I wore my wool coat again yesterday. Pray that this is the last time I need it this season.

Anyway, I've been taking it easy. I'm once again going back to the bottom of Maslow's pyramid and trying to build myself up from scratch. Ok, well, not from scratch, because I am way better off than I used to be, but I'm re-emphasising it in what feels like a much needed way. Now, I won't do anything before I feel like all my most basal needs are met. I'm also checking in with myself a lot more, making sure I'm both phsyically and psychologically comfortable. For example, I got up to pandiculate midsentence. I've also been mindful of my hunger and hydration levels, too, and I let myself sleep in this morning even though I was "technically" rested. Feels good!

These changes have been inspired by the Taurus New Moon happening in a few days. I've been getting more into astrology and tarot lately. I don't believe in future divination, but I do love to self-reflect, and in that regard these are very valuable tools. They help me pause and consider where I am and where I'd like to go next. The best part is that it's lots of fun!!! My tarot cards are very cute, so I enjoy drawing them every day. I also really like my astrology app, The Pattern, because it feeds you nice, bite-sized pieces of information. They designed it to be social media friendly and it seems, by happenstance, to be much less overwhelming that way.

I've also been drawing again!!! Goddess, I missed my tablet so much!!!!!!!!! I missed my whole desk set-up, actually, but I didn't even bring my sketchbook on my trip. I caved and doodled in my diary when I couldn't repress my creativity any longer, but a couple quick lined-page sketches can't compare to the full acumen of (pirated) Clip Studio Paint 1.11.8. The other night I stayed up super late (3 a.m.) drawing a very fun doodle page, and it made me realise some key things about my artistic process. First of all, it was so easy to draw that page because I'd already been drawing for a couple hours prior; I was more than warmed up! Secondly, it was something I really, really wanted to draw, and they were really cute, dynamic scenarios, too. Even though I didn't use any references, somehow I felt confident enough in drawing all sorts of poses. Maybe it's because I focused on the emotion of the scenes, and I worked hard to make them all distinct, that my skills just sort of rose to the challenge.

Either way, I want to draw more.... I keep looking back at my work and going "awww" so that's reason enough to keep it up!

2023.05.07

Blessed with a beautiful, sunshiney afternoon. The clouds came back in the evening and by now it's just nighttime dark, but I was really happy to stand outside and enjoy the warm air. At that moment, I finally understood why people subject themselves to California.

I'm a little confused, so today's entry is at once the usual slice-of-life musing and an open letter to anyone with clarifying information. ... That's quite a dramatic way to start, so I'll just get to the point: traffic to Vivarism has noticeably spiked. Today I received ~4,000 unique visitors. These are my best numbers ever, a little more than double the amoutn of visitors on launch day. And, well, my launch was immediately noticed by a certain thread on a certain forum. I know for a fact that these people are still around (buenos dias anonitas!) so it's not unlikely that someone would post about me again. Before Neocities' built-in stat counter served me the actual figure, I assumed that was the cause.

But, uh.... not only are there no such posts— in fact, there's no indication of any links to/mentions of me the past several days anywhere online— these numbers are just too high. 4,000 people???? That's absurd! Where are you all coming from? Wherever it is, it's got twice as many eyes as the ███ thread. Did somebody make a YouTube video? Is something happening on TikTok that I don't know about?? Well, that's a stupid question, because I have never used and will never use TikTok, so of course its goings-on are beyond the scope of my awareness. Ugh. That's why I'm asking!!!!!

Of course, I don't expect to receive an answer. Despite the increased viewership, the activity in my guestbook remains normal, so clearly nobody is keen to share. And if there was drama, I'd also expect to be getting flamed, yet there's none of that neither. Where engagement is concerned, nothing's changed. Honestly, if I hadn't been regularly visiting myself (I like to look at what I've made... sue me!), I never would have noticed the increased traffic. So really I'm just... I'm perplexed! And I love a good mystery even more than I love attention, so I think I will continue to puzzle my way through the situation in this entry. It's fun. I feel like a detective. And this is a great opportunity to humble brag.

Something that feels important to note: my old site is receiving a similar influx of unexplained traffic. While it's not uncommon for Vivarism to have a thousand different pairs of eyes on it (especially when I'm posting regularly), 5amgf averages less than half of that. It also has not updated in 6 months, and has been almost totally inactive for more than a year. Normally that wouldn't make a difference, seeing as the site seems to possess some uncanny staying power, and all my old drama is under that handle, and it really just is a nice little place to visit, but... again, the numbers are just too high. Nearly 2k unique visits. Very abnormal.

Strangely, that spike began on 5 May, while Vivarism's numbers remained stable until the 7th. Even more confusing is the fact that, overall, there are more people over here than over there. That makes me feel like if any name of mine was dropped, then it's more likely to be this one... but why would people have gone to my old site first? And why the 2-day delay? And what the hell for????

Clearly, I'm not getting clowned on. There are plenty of reasons to clown on me, too, both justifiably (Sansfucker) and unjustifiably (feminist). Whatever content may have been put out must have a positive spin. But I couldn't actually find any content (it is so embarrassing to Google yourself), so that really makes me wonder what it could be. Usually, I'd be able to attribute an increase in attention to gaining a popular follower on Neocities, but it looks like Kyle recently removed that feature. And thank Goddess for that, because it was really annoying to have a feed that consisted entirely of "X followed Y"! Still... I must say... what a funny coincidence that he should happen to make this change at the same time that this mystery began to unfold.... ← (sarcastically exaggerated sense of self-importance)

Anyways, the point is that if I can't see who recently followed me, then nobody else can, and therefore that's not an explanation for the increased traffic. So we're back to content— and it's definitely not my content, because I haven't been updating much at all lately. I started to wonder if I was featured in a video or something, perhaps in a showcase of cute websites? But, glancing at the page views of some of my contemporaries, I don't see any comparable spikes. So... I guess it's just me. Huh.

My tentative theory is that someone, somewhere, either inside this community or out-, started talking about my old website on the 4th or 5th. And now, today, someone with more influence has mentioned 5amgf and Vivarism in conjuction, with the latter at the forefront. And whoever it is, they've got quite the audience— numerous yet respectful! I like that. I feel like a weird little creature in a zoo who has just received a surprise visit from a very studious group of 8th graders. Whatever it is that drove you all here (school bus?), thanks for coming.

2023.05.05

The weather this week has been rainy and sunny, warm and cold, windy and still— just very tempermental overall. Normally outside conditions don't concern me at all, but I'm a little disappointed since I expected the weather to be better. I looked at the forecast and everything, so I thought it would be fine. I didn't even bring my winter coat! How frustrating.... Hopefully next week it will warm up.

Lately, I've consumed more TV and movies than usual. Everything I watch on my own is nonfictional (my favourite genre!) and documentaries always get me thinking— not just about the subject matter, but about people in general. I always wonder: what exactly did the documentarian ask the subject of this interview? Sometimes, based on the answer, I can sort of piece it together. I like it best when the interviewer's disembodied voice actually plays in the scene.

Regardless, I feel curious about just what it takes to get people to speak so candidly. In my adolescence I became an attentive, empathetic listener, and I've always had a sort of magnetic presence that endeared me to everyone. With those traits in combination, I ended up learning a lot about lots of different people— even strangers seemed to want to open up to me. I guess I'm just kind of disarming... it's probably normal to unload on the first person who offers a nonjudgemental ear. I'm secretly incredibly judgemental LOL, but apparently that secret is well-kept.

Nevertheless, I'm really curious about people. I like to know what makes people tick. I'm especially fascinated by motivations: I genuinely believe that every human action in this world has a rational explanation. Not "rational" as in "justifiable" or "right," but "rational" as in "able to be followed from point A to B to C." And all three points are probably some emotional stimulus. I always fail my cognitive function tests because, to me, the head and the heart are not an either/or pairing. Emotions are logical. At the very least, they're totally natural responses to the happenings in our world, and they play an overwhelming (and often unrecognised!) part in our decision-making.

I'm rambling. The point is not that "everything happens for a reason" but that "there's a reason for everything you do." I love finding those reasons.... There's something really exciting about following another person's train of thought, making connections between her backstory and her present day. And, of course, the only way to do that is to talk to people, and to get them to speak candidly, so again I'm wondering: how do you do that??? Or rather, how do you do that on purpose?

I have lots of books about communication that I could be reading. Maybe I'll pick one up later. But before anything else, I want to finish watching Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart. I watched the first episode late last night and, so far, it seems quite promising. I'm at the point where I really have no more desire to protect myself from my emotions, so I'm looking forward to feeling all of them and finally having appropriate names for them, too. I love words and vocabulary is my passion, so it's exciting to think I'll be able to experience that vocabulary in full. Apparently Atlas of the Heart is based off of a book of the same title, so if the TV Special is good, then I'll pick that up, too. You know what they say: the book is always better than the movie.

Hmm... what else to say? Linux Mint is not that bad. I'm still getting used to it. I haven't used my laptop to do much except watch documentaries while playing Harvest Moon DS Cute, and I'm even using the same web browser I had on Windows (with all my bookmarks synced, too) so there's nothing new there. The only problem I've run encountered is mounting my website as its own local drive. On Windows, I accomplished this in 2 seconds flat using Storage Spaces but, as far as I know, there's no one-to-one Linux equivalent. From what I've gathered, this is something I should be able to do in the terminal without additional software. Now, it's just a matter of figuring out exactly what I'm trying to do, and the exact language the computer geeks would use to describe it. That's the real struggle. I could just copy everything into the root directory, but that somehow feels... wrong.... Plus, I'd really like for it to show up all cute and nice in my sidebar!!!!

Eh, whatever, I'll figure it out later. I worked hard to make sure I could work on Vivarism while I was away, but it turns out I'm not really coding much at all. Honestly, these days feel pretty listless for me. I don't have any specific complaints, but I also feel like I'm missing something. Like there's something I should be doing, but I'm not??? Maybe I'm just disappointed. I had different expectations for both the weather and for my time here... expectations unmet. Sigh.

2023.05.02

It rained all last week. Yesterday was our one day of sunshine before we returned to wet, cloudy, grey skies. I don't mind the rain at all. No, this time it's my indoors situation that's causing me grief....

Listen, I know I've been breaking The Rules of The Internet by talking about being away from home, and I also hate to start the month complaining, but oh my GODDESS I have got to get this out somewhere. For the next two weeks, I'm visiting with some people I love, and for that reason alone I'm pretty happy to be here. Leaving behind my beloved PC was hard enough, and the switch to Linux (I chose to dual boot Tiny10 and Mint Cinnamon) is no walk in the park. It would be more manageable if not for this workspace that is unlivably bad.

When I set up my desk at home, I worked hard to find adjustable, ergonomic equipment in my size. That's harder than it needs to be when you're a woman just under 5 feet tall with unconventional needs (e.g. screen drawing tablet), but in the end I did a pretty good job. But this place.... Ugh. Okay. Flonne is setting phasers to COMPLAIN:

The desk is six inches too high for me and the chair six inches too low, yet my feet still manage to dangle and barely reach the ground. It's also a run-of-the-mill dining chair— AKA hard and uncomfortable, easy on neither the booty nor the back. There's a pull-out drawer where I could maybe put my keyboard, but it's yucky in there T__+T and I'd have to find some combination of books in the right sizes to make a platform for the keyboard itself. Otherwise, I'd have to reach down into the drawer, and like, oof, ouch, my wrists! But at this point, anything would be better than the extremely awkward, excruciatingly painful "reaching up and digging my arm bones into the edge" thing I have to do to reach my keyboard and mouse.

The real kicker is that I lived here before. I spent YEARS in this hell and, back then, I didn't even have the few workspace improvements I have now: a prop for my laptop to get it closer to eye-level (though it's still too low, lol) and a separate keyboard. How did I survive this for so long?!?!? I have no idea how I managed it, because it's been less than an hour and I'm already at my wit's end.

Ah... Well, with the right amount of effort, I'm sure I can figure something out. If it's truly hopeless, I can always find somewhere else to set-up, too. There are plenty of other things I could complain about, namely that my lips are inexplicably dry— can lip balm expire?— but I think it'd be nice to talk more positively now.

Something I'm really happy about is this month's diary layout! At one point I wanted to draw my own icons, but that hasn't happened even once, LOL, so really I just said FUCK IT! Sans time. He looks soooo cute in that art (the artist is one of my all-time faves) so I feel very happy every time I see it. How can I stay mad when Sans is smiling right at me??? It's just not possible. I'm very much enjoying the colour scheme as well, and I'm glad that my pixel collection is getting some more use, too. It's kind of a shame that I have so many, yet I rarely use them at all these days! I'll have to come up with more ways to incorporate them in my designs.

I'm also really wanting to play a Harvest Moon game again, lately. I might pick up Trio of Towns again— in my most recent save file, I was courting Ford— or maybe go all the way back to HMDS. That one would mostly be for the nostalgia factor, and not anything to do with enjoying a well-made game, haha. I've had the Spring Theme stuck in my head for a little while, and the Summer Theme is a certified banger as well. I wonder who composed them...? This information is available somwhere online, surely, but I don't care to look it up right now.

Hmm, hmm, other news...? There's not much to say just yet. The month is just beginning!!!! It'd be nice to talk about my hopes and goals for the month, but honestly, being in a totally different environment is kinda throwing me off. I feel really out of place and sort of "on pause," which is... well, not ideal. Life never really stops, you know? It'd be nice to unpack that sometime soon. Until then, I'll just take everything one day at a time. I'm already in the habit of asking myself, "what's important to me that I can do today?" and then seriously doing it. For now, I'll just keep doing that.