Life in January 2023

Card	The Magician
Time	Serene morning
Mood	Comfortable, indifferent
Media	N/A
Music	Rune Factory OST

Tuesday the 31^st

The first snow of the year looks light and fluffy as it falls down in fat flakes. It's sticking to the grass, but not the asphalt. I wonder if it will all be melted by tomorrow? Only time will tell. Either way, I'm glad that I get to stay inside today.

I began this journal with high hopes for myself, for my future, for the world. The optimism is still with me, but it's been thoroughly shaken by a recent traumatic event, something I can generously class as "the worst thing that has ever and will ever happen to me." It's a miracle I'm coping as well as I am, and I'm not even coping all that well. I feel all over the place. Up and down, disgusted and tired, relieved and excited. My mood was changeable enough before; now I really don't know what to expect.

It's been less than a week since this awful thing has happened, so I suppose it's expected that I'd still be so shaken up. I wonder when normalcy will return? Though I'm without a timeline, I can confidently say that my life will be much better going forward. This trauma is the double-sided kind where it's so scary and disturbing I wish I would die, but it also marks the end of an era. I'm free now, finally, from a threat that has loomed over me for... well, my entire life. I'm excited to feel that freedom in its fullest extent. Over the past few days, I've already gotten a little taste— and let me tell you, it's marvelous!

Sorry to be so vague. I don't want to spill too much of my personal life onto the net if I can help it. What's the point in writing at all then? you might be wondering. And the answer is record-keeping. I love writing things down, little time capsules of memories, thoughts, feelings. Not all memories, thoughts, and feelings can be cherished, but they're nonetheless worth preserving.

Bit by bit, I'd like to return to CSS. I'm building a new computer(!!) so right now my workspace is uh... a tad limited. Literally I'm just sat up in my bed, using a teddybear as a neck pillow, banging the keys on my laptop. I won't be able to use my tablet until the PC is fully set-up, so the stickers are on hold, along with digital artwork. The last part I need, the power supply unit, arrives next week...! So that's something to look forward to.

You know, before I started writing, I felt kind of morose and stagnant, bored and pessismistic, but I think now I'm ready to tackle the day. I do not want to wash my hair (I am being completely serious when I say it's gonna take 4 hours) but there's nothing better/more important for me to do, so... Maybe it won't be so bad? *Fingers crossed.*

Today's Fruitful Moments
More mindful of what I do immediately upon waking. Instead of checking my phone, I got up and made coffee... and then checked my phone, lol Using music/sounds not just to help me fall asleep, but also to wake me up in the morning Knowing my own limits, too. I won't push myself too far, I won't overwhelm myself. Baby steps

Card	Nine of Cups
Time	?! Bedtime??
Mood	Laidback yet restless
Media	N/A
Music	Wowaka's Unhappy Refrain

Saturday the 21^st

Today was cold, grey, and windy! But I looked very smart and felt very warm in my wool coat and cardigan eheheh. I wasn't out for long, either, just between the car and the door. Still, that little bit of brisk air freshened me right up.

So... what's new with me? I'm writing poetry again, the quick and casual sort where I focus more on how it sounds that what it means (or means to me). I found a list of super easy exercises to do in bed. This morning I doodled with permanent marker on a distressingly blank mug, and in the afternoon I I worked on character designs with a friend. It's a good day!! I'm very grateful for the life I have.

I don't have much else to write about... Hm.... I have some new pages in the work but I'm really, really taking my time on them. I'm trying to pace myself these days. Hm, what else? I ate rice, sausage, and bell peppers for dinner.... I'm still bumping Wowaka 15 years later.... My cat is staring at me from across the room....

Today's Fruitful Moments

While waking up, I thought about what I wanted/needed to do after getting out of bed Also while waking up, I thought about what's the best first-thing-in-the-morning activity for me. I'd for it to be opening my curtains, having a glass of water, and stretching. Dear God I need a new computer. Recognising the problem is the first step towards the solution Respected myself and my time; didn't give it away to anyone as if they were owed it.

Card	Wheel of Fortune
Time	Early Afternoon
Mood	Going w/ the flow
Media	N/A
Music	Kagerou Project

Wednesday the 18^th

The sun has come out at last. It's even a fairly warm day!! ... You know, I say that, but I'm indoors, fully dressed, and still shivering? I guess it's only "warm" by winter standards, haha. I'll put on an extra sweater. Normally, I'd finish writing first, but I'm no longer ignoring stuff like this. It's quick and easy and my life will be better for it! ... Okay, I'm stalling. I'm gonna go now.

*Flonne returns to her computer, now wearing an extra layer.* Hi again. I had plans today that were suddenly cancelled, so now I'm not quite sure what I'll do with my morning. Maybe make a new music diary? I always had fun writing those entries... I've been revisiting old favourites lately— like this Montaigne song with which my 14 year-old self was briefly obsessed— and it'd be nice to write about them more.

Music is a big part of my life, I guess. I realise more and more that it's an instant mood-maker. I have a very distinct memory of listening to Tomggg (cutesy, upbeat), feeling happy, fluffy, and friendly, and then on a whim switching to Mindless Self Indulgence. That band is like if 'edge' was a music genre, LOL, and my emotions instantly changed to match. Suddenly I was edgy and evil, too. Gone forever was Fluffy Flonne, never to be seen again...! Until, of course, I put Tomggg back on.

Nowadays when I choose my listening material, I first ask myself, "how do I want to feel right now?" Most of the time the answer is "relaxed" or "happy," so I put on cute video game music. The Dogz GBA soundtrack has gotten more plays in the past week than in the 2-3 years I've had it in my library! This morning, I was feeling nostalgic, hence my return to the Kagerou Project albums. And when it's time for aerobics, Aoris has just what I need!

Haha, that little bit was so fun to write, I basically have to make a music page now. I wonder what stickers I should use...? What will the colour scheme be? How will I style the embedded videos? I think I'll look at my old music diaries, take notes on what worked and what didn't, and make the best one ever!

Today's Fruitful Moments
Woke up early!!! Thank God. I stayed in bed to avoid people though, lolListened to music while brushing my teeth... I even brought the speaker into the bathroom with me?! It was kinda funTurned notifications off while I was busy, then back on when I was no longer annoyed by them

Card	Seven of Swords
Time	Low-Light Would-Be Lunch
Mood	Auspicious
Media	DefunctTV
Music	Animal Crossing GameCube OST

Saturday the 14^th

I peeked out my window just now to check the weather and was momentarily blinded by the bright, white day outside. Ouch! But now that I've twiddled open the shades juuuust a bit, my room is much more comfortable... The sky is totally overcast. It's been raining off and on for the past couple days. I really love the rain, but now that my favourite coat is made of dry-clean-only wool, I like going out in it a lot less!

These days I'm just relaxing, and thinking about impulses. Not impulses like unplanned purchases or speaking out of turn, but thoughts like "gee, X would be so much better with Y." I'm so used to ignoring these small calls to action, and I'm realising just how much I suffer for it. Like... I'll notice my mouth is dry, and think "I want to drink some water," but then I don't drink. Or I'll realise I'm sitting in an uncomfortable position, but I won't move. Or even, "this would taste better with a little more sauce," but I just keep eating my meal as it is.

All of these are immediately actionable and relatively easy ways to improve my daily experience. Why haven't I been heeding my own calls? Maybe it's laziness, maybe it's covert self-harm. I really don't know. What I do know is that I want to try paying attention to these little things and acting on them as often as I can. Here are some examples of successful life improvements from yesterday:

• I took breaks to get up and stretch when I realised I'd been sitting for a long time.
• Instead of continuing to watch a Resident Evil 7 LP, I chose some more uplifting media (Defunctland).
• When my throat was hurting, I made myself some tea with honey.

Maybe I'm not as dissociated as I sometimes feel I am. Yes, I forget to check in with myself because I haven't developed the habit, but there are lots of times when myself tries to check in with me. (If that makes any sense, lol.) Only good things will come from this increased self-awareness, and so far I feel much better trusting my instincts. They're small changes, but they add up!!!

Today's Fruitful Moments

Adjusted my screen brightness to spare my eyes in the low light. Thank you also to my blue-light filter!I got out of bed and went straight into the shower. It's nice to be clean first thing in the morning.I have communicated to everyone that I'm resting and would like to remain undisturbed. It's working out!Nature soundscapes are the best! I may become addicted to the sound of the ocean.Customising my desktop again~ This time it's Sans themed, of course! I can't wait til it's finished so I can show it off, ehehe.

Card	Wheel of Fortune (Reversed)
Time	Energetic Afternoon
Mood	Having fun!
Media	Bugsnax
Music	Aoba Ichiko's gift

Sunday the 8^th

Today is hot yet also cold? My room gets direct morning sun, so it was very warm when I woke up. Further exploration reveals it is cold and windy outside! But I'm staying in for today, so I don't mind at all. I'm certain I'll be comfy and warm in bed when it's at last time to turn in for the night.

It dawned on me today that I'm no longer a mere curator of pixels, but a fully-fledged distributor. I can't call myself a creator yet because I didn't draw any myself. As it is now, all the stickers in my toybox were drawn by an uncredited artist whom I have no hope of finding. I really just bought a bunch of sticker books off AliExpress and called it a day. But I am putting in the real effort required to digitise and share them with others. Maybe one day I'll talk about my process. One day when I've actually refined it, LOL.

Anyways, I feel proud to be the type of person to whom I was infinitely and thanklessly grateful for in my youth. How many hours have I spent trawling sozai sites and pixel-sharing tumblrs, right-clicking and saving-as? More than I count. At least enough to amass my current collection, which today boasts 79,746 files. Wow. We've finally crossed the 1GB threshhold, too! How exciting!

If you ever want to stalk me across the net, just look for someone bragging about having 60k+ pixels. I guarantee you, that person is me.

As I'm scanning and cutting out more stickers, I'm thinking about creating something like "aesthetic packs." Middleplot has done this with great success. I've always wanted to use her graphics, but haven't found the chance. Maybe that's also something I could do— designing pages with other people's graphics, and only theirs. Like source specific stuff! I wouldn't be imitating any particular design style, per se, but it'd be a fun exercise. Definitely different from my previous webpages, where I'd indiscriminately use graphics from all over the web, but not so unlike Vivarism, where I try to use mostly only my own. I think it's actually just the backgrounds and lace borders that I pull from my graphics collection these days. It's almost sad to think of it going to waste.

Anyways, back to asethetic packs. One sticker sheet I was working on today had a divider with a bunch of pills on it, and I thought, "oh, maybe I could make a menhera collection." The stickers would all be available in their usual place in the Toybox, but these would be deliberately curated packs available for easy download on Mediafire or something. I could collect all sorts of things together... Farming, stars & space, beach days. The possibilities are (almost) endless.

Today's Fruitful Moments

Intentionally positive and enjoyable conversations with friends and family. I even reached out to a loved one with whom I hadn't spoken in a little whileJournalled my feelings. It did help me feel betterPartaking in my hobbies is super relaxing and rewarding tooLately I've been listening to mood music— cute and calming video game OSTs— and soundscapes before bed. Keeps me relaxed during the day and helps me fall asleep at night.

Card	Five of Wands (Reversed)
Time	Rainy grey lunchtime
Mood	Ecstatic
Media	Harlem Is Nowhere by Sharifa Rhodes-Pitts
Music	Uyamuya's 獅子志司

Tuesday the 3^rd

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! The first day of January was unseasonably warm and pleasant— I actually went into town because it was so nice— but just a few days later we've slipped back into prototypical winter grey. It's been drizzling all day today. Sometimes the rain pours down and I get a lovely little audio show. I have a lot of walking to do in the next couple of days, so I should probably say something like, "I hope the rain lets up." But truth is? I don't mind at all. In fact, I want to carry my umbrella!

The first diary entry of the year is supposed to be about hopes for the future, right? Currently, my most important mission is to heal and mature into a proper adult. Because those are pretty broad goals, it will be difficult to know when they've been achieved. But at the same time, it means there are lots and lots of smaller achievements to make along the way. It's those small things that I'm focused on.

This month, my "cultivations" are less abstract and more actionable. I really struggled last month because it was all very basic, primal sort of stuff— living in my body, naming my emotions— very much in the "existence" category. That's tough when you are 99% dissociated at all times. Now, I'm not giving up on any of that, not at all. It's no secret that meditation and mindfulness are the keys to the doors of life— doors I would very much like to open, thank you very much. I'm just shifting my focus elsewhere. Or rather, adding new focuses on top? I don't know. Focus is intangible, it cannot be piled, ABORT METAPHOR.

One big thing is that I'm considering getting a new PC, like for real for real. It's come to my attention that my laptop, while adorably decorated, is PURE DOO DOO DOG SHIT. And my desk setup is killing me slowly. The layout is counterproductive, the ergonomics abysmal, my neck, my wrists, my back, oof oof ouch. For the sake of my eyes, I'll probably need a larger monitor. And I've always wanted one of those "under desk keyboard + mouse" drawers. We'll see. All I know is that if I get a tower with a glass case, I want to put a Sans figurine inside of it!!!

OK, I know this isn't my Undertale Shrine, so I should probably keep the sperging to a minimum, but I have soooo many ideas of things to do and create relating to Sans. He just inspires me a lot!!! I've had a baby blue randoseru for a bajillion years— how lucky that it's his colour!— that I plan to decorate with stickers depicting his boss battle. And I want to hang up some nice prints of him in these cute picture frames I got. And I wanna put his photo in my wallet. And I want SANSDOLL!!!!!! Oh my God, he's so cute, looking at him only makes me want him more. I must avert my eyes.

So, yeah, I've made peace with my original works being put on hiatus for the forseeable future. I can tap into the inspiration that's already there, right? That's the sort of energy that produces the most authentic artwork. And speaking of art! I'm thinking more and more about how I'd like my art to look, the feelings I'd like my work to invoke, even the medium and method by which I draw. Something I've realised is how much I loooooove markers. Thick, no-pen-pressure lineart is just delicious to me, yum. And lately I've been colouring with the bucket tool, which is so simple and easy, I actually have fun.

Yesterday I looked at some Pop'n Music artwork and that seems pretty close to what I'd like to emulate. The bright colours, minimal shading, and simple shapes all make my brain very very happy. Still, the proportions themselves are a bit too cartoony for me. I'd rather do something more moe, if I could— and I totally can. I think. I HOPE? I don't know, I'll have to see what works best for me, what feels the nicest as I draw.

Okay, I've gone on long enough, heh heh. I think I'll grab some lunch. Should I have rice and salmon, maybe? There is some avocado, too. Whatever it is, it's gonna be super yummy and filling.

Today's Fruitful Moments

Woke up early. At first, I was mad about it, but now I'm glad I did, even if it means I didn't get as much sleep as I needed. I'm on track to sleep on time tonight! Using a new .mp3 player, Musicbee, which works sooo much better than my old one, Dopamine. I want to look for cute skins later CODING THIS DIARY WAS SO FUN!! WEBDEV IS A BLAST!!! I love Vivarism, hehe Respectfully declined social interactions. Responded to messages only when I cared to. Thinking happy thoughts. Unbothered, hydrated, in my lane.