| Card | Queen of Swords |
|---|---|
| Time | Nearly bedtime |
| Mood | Spit-shined clear plastic trophy |
| Media | Evermore: The Theme Park That Wasn't |
| Music | No Applause by Publio Delgado |
Wednesday the 16th
It drizzled last night and a bit this morning. Out on my walk I had to keep my hands inside my coat pockets to keep warm even though I had gloves on, too. I'm excited to wear my wool coat soon. I'd like to buy a pair of leather gloves sometime, too, but it will be hard to find my size. Do they make leather gloves for girl children? Is there a market for that?
Today I had the energy to do things, finally. It's actually amazing what a little free time can do for you! Hat and Hors both have really cool PNGs of their real-life stuff, so I finally got around to making my own. I used to make transparents all the time, but this was my first time doing it with photos that I took myself. At times it was difficult but it was ultimately very rewarding. The page itself is pretty plain, not much intrigue there. Though I suppose that makes the content stand out more, right?
Overall today has been a really good day. We're on an upswing it seems. Somehow, acknowledging that makes me feel nervous. It's not that I'm afraid of the end of the good times, and I don't believe that recognising a good mood will curse it to end prematurely. It's the fact that I have upswings in the first place that worries me. But I guess that's normal, isn't it? "Seasons of life," as my mother says. Maybe it's the -swing that gives me pause. Sounds too much like manic depression for my comfort.
Anyway, God willing I have some free time again tomorrow, I want to draw. I got a new sketchbook last week, but even more than that I'd like to make some digital art. There are things I should be drawing, namely the character designs for my 14 billion Malaware/Maladjust OCs. Knowing myself I'll just draw Sans instead LOL. I guess it's fine. I have infinite time to write my silly little stories, right? Trying to rush just piles on the undue pressure, and I know from experience that will just lead me to resent the entire project, so I'll take my time. I'll go nice and slow, and follow my creative whims.
| Today's Fruitful Moments |
|---|
| Singing along to my favourite songs. Blasting Lupe Fiasco's The Cool Peasant breakfast for lunch I segmented out some uncooked rice in 2-cup portions. Future me will be grateful! My cat stepped all over my pillow with his filthy little paws. I mean I'm not happy about that, but it's been solid joke material all day. |
| Card | XIV Temperance |
|---|---|
| Time | Bright white midafternoon |
| Mood | Reclined |
| Media | The Woman Who Wasn't There (2012) |
| Music | And God Said to Cain by Jedi Mind Tricks |
Monday the 14th
Doing much better today, or at least I have more energy at time of writing. This morning I realised just how cold it's become when I cracked the kitchen window and in blew a biting wind. At some point I contemplated stepping outside but knew I'd have to get fully dressed— socks, shoes, pants, coat— for any hope of survival. Er... not survival, but comfort? Basically it's "bundle up" season, that much is official.
Last night, my torrent for the 2012 documentary film The Woman Who Wasn't There finally finished downloading. I've seen the movie once before, sometime last year I think, and for the past few months I'd been wanting to see it again. In my memory it's not an exceptional movie, but it was good enough to stick in my mind— then compounded by the fact that it was unreasonably difficult to find online. Because I couldn't watch it Right Then Immediately, that only made me hungrier for it. I would periodically look around for it, and then give up... but the craving remained. It's not available on any streaming sites, and I had to dig through tons of torrent sites before finding a link, only to discover it had a whopping zero (0) seeders.
I basically resigned myself to a world in which I never watch it again, but left the torrent running just to see what would happen. Um... I kind of gave it away at the start, but over the course of several days it downloaded in full. So today I watched it again. It was pretty good! That's the whole story. I bored myself while writing this. You, too?
One day I'd like to write about The Woman Who Wasn't There and all of my favourite documentaries in further depth. For now I'll just say I'm fascinated by people like Tania Head. Pathological liars, catfish, tellers of tall tales, sufferers of factitious disorder, the compulsively dishonest. Fascinated! I love to hear stories about fantastical lies and their eventual falling down. It's a shame that we rarely get to hear about the liar's honest motivations... but I suppose that's to be expected.
| Card | XVIII The Moon (reversed) |
|---|---|
| Time | Unreasonably dark |
| Mood | Lethargic... weird... |
| Media | Tampa by Alissa Nutting |
| Music | CORE by Toby "Radiation" Fox |
Sunday the 13th
Today was dark and cloudy. The breeze sucked my curtains into my windows like a vacuum, and my feet are cold even when I'm under my blankets. All the leaves have fallen off the tree in the backyard. A few nights ago we had our first frost, though I guess every night is a frost now. This is "autumn!" And autumn is cold and dark!
I've been missing my monthly diary pages a lot lately. At first I was going to theme November around one of my all-time favourite songs, HAPPY SHAPE, which just so happens to have an incredible PV and three sets of LINE stickers. A middlingly popular VocaPV having even one set of stickers is practically unheard of, so back when I discovered the HAPPY SHAPE sets, I was ecstatic. Two years ago I used them to decorate a half-finished diary in which I wrote very little. I've been wanting to get more use out of them ever since.
After all that you may be wondering where I put the decome I love so much. The answer is... nowhere! I worked on the design off-and-on for a couple days, but it never felt right. It looked like it belonged to a totally different website. It didn't help that I was going for a purposefully odd/esoteric Geocities look— something I've never done before. It was fitting for the song, sure. But it wasn't what I wanted my November to look or feel like.
So... here I am again with my little stickers. Thank God I am not bored of them yet. This page has been, for some reason, very tricky to style. The only thing I 100% like about it is the little apple + leaf decoration going down the side. The rest... meh. I could take or leave. It will probably take me several days to figure this out.
Days plural because honestly? I am really, really tired. Lately I feel weird and unlike myself, unaware of what's true or false. I just kind of float from one interaction to the next, doing my best to smile through it all. The internal-enigmatic. I'm used to this feeling— or at least familiar enough that it doesn't scare me... but I don't like it.
Here is where I would like to write about some things that made me happy, but I also don't want to write about them, you know? Funny how negative thought spirals work. You'll turn your back on even the things that you know will help. I don't know, I'll try again tomorrow. Today was a disappointing day.